The last few years of my life have been full of pain, challenges, adversity, and blessings. Here are the cliff notes: Married, beautiful son, divorced, several moves, challenges at work, finding love again, getting heartbroken, and from financially stable to lots of debt and wondering how I will make ends meet.
Being a single mom terrifies me.
I was drinking my morning coffee in my house, looking at the transformation this fixer-upper went through in such a short time. Making all the decor, paint colors, flooring choices, and where to put the furniture was fun. I was excited to do a lot of the sweat equity with my family and friends, but something was still not right. Later that day, I had an appointment to meet with a psychologist to take little man to see with all the transitions in his short five years. We wanted to make sure that he has the proper tools to deal with the divorce, a move, parents that don’t along, etc.
Speaking to the Dr. was the first time I had talked to anyone about my recent split with the man I dated post- divorce. The floodgates opened, and I purged all of the emotions I had buried over the last few months. The breakup has been tough for my little guy and me.
I felt responsible for my little man’s broken heart.
Guilt, shame, anger, hurt, frustration about sums up my emotions for the last six months. I saw the relationship coming to an end a long time ago, but I was in denial, and I was willing to stick it out and make it work because I was not going to put my little man through another breakup.
But it was deeper than the above reasons, and it wasn’t until I said it out loud that I could face my fear of being a single parent. His dad loves him very much, and they have a great relationship. I relied on the guy to be my support. He made me feel healthy and loved. He and little man had a great relationship; my life seemed complete.
Except once again, I was trying to force the universe with what I wanted instead of listening to what the world had planned. I was so focused on trying to put the pieces I thought needed to be together. I feared I wouldn’t find a man that would want my son and me that I ignored my intuition again! Are you starting to see a pattern here?
And then my biggest fear came true; it was just my son and me.
I felt like a failure and that I had let my son down for many reasons:
- We are going to have to change our lifestyle
- We are moving again
- He is going to switch schools
- His heart was broke
- I am worried I am not going to be enough for him
- He is angry with me
- I am going to drown in debt
The list could go on. When the ugly cry was done in the Dr.’s office and telling her all of my fears, I said: “but it will all be ok.” And she agreed, and this is where the magic of addressing my biggest fear happened.
Instead of listing all of the negative thoughts I was having, I started to list the positives:
- I LOVE my son; this is MY fear, not his
- We get to have more experiences instead of things
- He is a happy, healthy, beautiful soul
- We have a roof over our heads and food on the table
- We have an incredible support system
- My career is good
- I don’t need to be his everything; he needs a mom
FEAR… Face Everything And Rise
This is what I am doing; I sold my expensive car and paid cash for a reliable, safe vehicle, we cut way back on eating out, and I now clean my Crossfit gym to keep my membership. The first thing I do every morning before I get out of bed is to say positive affirmations, and I am committed to stepping out of my comfort zone to keep forward progress.
I am sharing the good, bad, and ugly parts of my journey. Because I know that I am not the only single mom in the world trying to find stability in her career, children, personal life, and “me” time. I am passionate about creating a tribe of like-minded women who can share their stories and lift each other.
What can you do right now to face your biggest fear?
- Be honest with yourself as to what you fear. Sometimes what we think scares us is not the root of the issue.
- Make friends with your fear.
- Now make an action list of all the kick-ass ways you can face your fear
- Do the work!
My fear of being a single parent will never go away, and neither will my fear of snakes. But last week, my fear of finding a snake in my back year came true, and I survived. If I can keep my fear in check and let my faith in the bigger picture be stronger than my fear, I consider that a win.