Owning Your Story and Choosing Radical Responsibility

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Welcome to The Fire Inside Her podcast. A safe space for leadership, self-care, and community. I'm your host, Diane Schroeder, and it is my privilege to be your guide on the journey to authenticity.

Let's talk about values for just a second. Values are the individual beliefs that motivate people to act one way or another. They also can serve as a guide in organizations. And people can believe that values are “right” because they value that. Organizational values, we talk a lot about that on the show, how important organizations for a healthy culture to live and embody their values. And personal values are also important because your personal values should be your guide as to how you live your life. But let's take a slightly different spin on values. Let's talk about your value. You as a human have value. And your value does not rise or fall depending on where you are or who you are with or where you are working. Your value does not change. And I think sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that because we are competing or thinking about the next promotion, or we're not happy where we're working, or we're not happy within our organization, and we tend to forget about the value that we have. Fortunately, I have created a worksheet for you to kind of rethink your value and how important you are to the world, to your family, to yourself, to your organization. So, head on over to thefireinsider.com/value for a free worksheet.

This week is so exciting because not only do we talk about value, but we talk about how important it is to share your story. and how if you don't own your story, your story owns you. And sharing your story is really a critical part of the journey to authenticity because you have to be honest with yourself. And Marsha will talk about radical responsibility and how powerful it is to be true to who you are and recognize that when you share your story, you are helping people who are struggling. It may not feel that way, but I promise you it is.

Marsha Vanwynsberghe, storytelling, NLP trainer, she's a speaker, publisher, and author plus hosts 2 podcasts. Marsha is a 6-time bestselling author of, When She Stopped Asking Why. She shares her lessons as a parent who dealt with teen substance abuse that tore her family unit apart. Marsha has been published seven times most recently, with her co-platform, Everybody Holds a Story. And she is on a mission to continue to help women and men to speak, share, and publish their stories. Through her tools, OUTSPOKEN NLP certification, programs, coaching, and podcast, Marsha teaches the power of radical responsibility and owning your choices in your own life. She empowers people how to heal and own their stories, be conscious leaders and build platform businesses that create massive impact. I know that you will enjoy this episode just as much as I did, speaking with Marsha.

Well, welcome Marsha Vanwynsberghe. How are you doing today?

I am great. Thank you so much for having me, Diane.

So excited to have you. Authenticity and storytelling are 2 of my most favorite things to talk about next to leadership. So, I'm really excited that you're sharing your time and your wisdom with us today. And before we get started, I like to ask random questions. So, my random question of the day for you is, what is your favorite thing to do in the summer to get outside when the weathers nice?

I am always out walking my dog. Probably, like, 5 to 6 kilometers a day, and I have this really big tree in my backyard. Like, it's massive. They planted it way too close to our house when they did it, but it is so big. And I can sit in my backyard on my deck. I could work on a table all day long in the summer and still be in shade. So, I love it. It's one of my absolute favorite things because I get the feel of the summer but I'm not like roasting in the sun. Being outside is probably my favorite thing for the summer.

Perfect. Now where you are at, do you have mosquitoes or bugs or anything like that?

We do, and we have exceptionally a lot more this year. I'm in Ontario, Canada, and they are definitely more than what we normally have. But we've also had huge amounts of rain, so I'm guessing that's why.

Same here. I feel like I stand outside for 30 seconds and I'm being swarmed by these giant mosquitoes who are just fat and happy this season.

Yes. That's true. That that's true.

Awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing. And let's just dive into it. I guess, I want to know a little bit about your story. I'm really curious about why you decided to start podcasting, and what does it mean to own your story?

And the reason I did that is because I was a parent who dealt with teen substance abuse, and I found myself really getting super small. Hiding from the world, living in the spiral of shame and criticism, and through that process I decided that we can't always choose a hand were dealt, but we get to choose how we play it. And so, I, through a process of really starting to work on myself and share my story, it continued to grow and reach a lot of different places. And it just naturally led into podcasting and writing. And through that process owning your story, owning your choices on your life, like, radical responsibility, those words literally saved my life is the only way to say it. They literally saved my life. So, owning your story in my opinion is being able to own what's happened to you and how you choose to respond to it. Because I think that we can all agree. I mean, really challenging things happen to good people every single day. It's not because you're a bad person. It's not because you did something wrong. It's just that really challenging things can happen to everybody. What we choose to do with them is what matters and what defines us. And owning your story to me is not sitting back waiting for everyone to judge, criticize. I just get to a point of saying yes. I'm a parent who dealt with teen substance abuse. But that's really the length of what I share. I don't share a ton of details. I own my part of my story. And so, even if a person's listening and they say, well, it's crazy. I'm never going to get on a podcast and, like, tell something like that to the world. If you still don't own, like, your part in the story, it still owns you. And in my brain, I was like, if you don't own it, it owns you. And if it owns you, it controls you. It controls what you say yes and no to. It controls how you show up, how you allow yourself to be seen, heard, how you play in your life, in all areas. And so, I think that owning your story is actually an incredibly freeing thing to do.

Yes. Thank you for sharing that, and I could not agree more as you're talking, especially, you know, the you can't control the hands you're dealt. And I had another guest say that, and it just really resonated with me. And I think it's scary to own your part of your story because you just don't know. It's that anticipation and your ego and your security detail, making you feel bad and this internal struggle with yourself. But I couldn't agree more that, once you start sharing your story and living your truth and owning the pieces of your life, sets you free, and what I found when I share parts of my story is people can connect with me on a way that I don't think we would have been able to connect prior to sharing. It's the vulnerability in this authenticity that makes you human.

Yes. It does make you more human when you can. It does. And I think this is the piece that a lot of people, it's hard to see, and it's hard to grasp because we're so used to hiding those parts of ourself. We're so used to, like, I don't want everyone to know that I struggle. I don't want people to know what I'm walking through, but I really believe the things that you think are the most unrelatable about yourself are the things that make you the most relatable to everyone else. We judge those parts of ourselves and think like, that is ridiculous. It's so unrelatable. What is everyone going to think? I'm like, that's actually the thing that's going to connect you with the people that you're meant to connect with. And I know it's really scary to show up and share yourself and be seen. I understand, but I do think when I would question anybody who is listening to this, and it's like maybe hitting a little bit of a nerve for you, which is not a bad thing because that's where change comes from, is that if you're doubting yourself about sharing your story or sharing more of who you are or that one thing that you're so afraid to share with the world, if you are blocking that, are you doing it because of the people that are in your life today? Because what if I told you that your story is actually not for them? It's actually for the people you haven't met yet. That's the big piece. I love to, I do like to push buttons and I do like to help you to think a little bit differently. But when I look at it now, I mean, I've been walking proof. The people who are in my life today, 99% of them were here 5, 6 years ago. And the people who were there then they're not here now, and that's okay. Because really the one thing that we want as humans is to belong, right? We want to belong, we want to have connection, that's the number one thing that we want. We can't have that if we don't let people see us. It's impossible.

Wow. I have full body goosebumps from that, and that is just really powerful. And you're right. I think part of my story that most of my life I told myself, I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be seen from a young age and a lot of the choices that I made on my journey were so that I could be seen and make other people proud of me when at the end of the day, I needed to be true to myself so I could see myself first. And then it changed everything. It literally changed everything. And, you know, they say who you surround yourself with, the five people you spend the most time with, really impact your life. And I don't think I spend the same amount of time with the people from my past as I do now because future me, current me, started to share, and that's really powerful.

Well, I'm happy that that helps and that just creates that little bit of a shift because I know it's scary, but it's also a choice to let that story define you. Like, see, we walk through challenges, experiences, and stories, all of us are, but it's just a story. I heard this quote once and I cannot pick who said it, but the story is oh, it's Jamie Kern Lima. The story is not the problem. Our narrative of the story is the problem. So, the story that we tell ourselves about the story is the problem. So, we're all walking through something. All of us are. But that story doesn't have to be your identity. It's just an experience you walk through. The story only ever has a meeting that you give it. I say that one to myself multiple times a day. It's just a story, Marsha. It only has a meaning when you give it. So, if you give it the meaning that you have failed, then that's the meaning that it has. Like, you're right. And so, it's really being mindful that don't let the experience that you walk through mean that you're a failure as a person because that's not true at all.

Yeah. And I say that all the time. And I had heard it was a judge on a podcast I listened to years ago. People are not failures. You can't be a failure. You're a human. Sometimes you make mistakes. Sometimes life gets a little bumpy. And, really, the older I get, the more I realize life is pretty messy, and it's, you know, it's okay because it's messy for everyone. And the only way you know that is like you said, you share your story. Now can you tell me a little bit about radical responsibility and what that does mean to you and where you heard it and how you apply it to your life?

I think I came across radical responsibility probably, like, 8, 9 years ago. And the words just hit me, and I was like, that speaks to me. And at that time, I wasn't doing any of that. I wasn't doing any of that at all. Just completely real. And how that helped me to shift my thinking is the fact that I was really sitting in the space of blame. Blame and victimhood. And when you sit there at victimhood, you literally are just, like, pointing, waiting for everyone else's behavior to change so your life can change which means you've given away, like, every ounce of power that you have. I mean, I realized we were walking through something. Our kids were minors. I didn't have a lot of control. We didn't have a lot of support from schools, police. We really didn't. It was unfortunately, a bit of a perfect storm, the way it was happening. And so, I felt completely helpless and as a victim, which means I sat and blamed a lot. And when you sit in blame, blame and ownership sit on the 2 complete opposite ends of the spectrum.

So, when you're in blame, you've just given all your power away and you're waiting like my life will change when everyone else changes. And, I mean, we've all done that. We know it doesn't actually happen, but we do wait for it. But when you sit in a space of, like, ownership, that is taking radical responsibility for yourself, for your choices, how you show up, what you do. And that can change the game. Because now all of a sudden, we're like, completely shifted out of blame, completely shifted out of victim mindset. Because there's nothing wrong with the victim mindset. There isn't. But if you choose to have moments of being in victimhood, which I do, it's a slippery slope like normal. But having a moment of being a victim mindset is very different than, like, unpacking and living there. Like, it's very, very different. Right? And so, when every time I catch myself and I'm like, woah, you're back in, like, victim again. How can you shift that? And it's always coming down to radical responsibility. That's, what can I take responsibility for that I'm not? What can I own that I'm not? What can I come to a space of creating change for myself that I'm not doing? And I think there's a really big step here that isn't talked about a lot is the fact that you can catch yourself in those moments of being a victim. And you can shift it. We all can. But if you stop partway in there and go into shame, judgment, criticism of yourself, you're just keeping yourself there. You're keeping yourself there. And so, it's really important that it's just like, you know what? Wait, I'm not doing anything I say that's important to me. I'm not following through. And it's interesting because there'll be times, I'll beat myself up like crazy for that. And then I just like, hey. Bring a sense of humor to it. Do whatever I need to do, and it's like, just move on. Just move on. And go back into the space of radical responsibility because it just reminds me that I have far more control of how my day rolls out, how I respond, then I think that I do. We all do.

Yes. I think that when I get into victim mode, and in that space, I pause when I catch myself. I'm like, alright. What's the medicine here? What is this experience trying to teach me. And, again, I couldn't agree more. Criticism, judgment, shame, those guys can be real jerks. And when they start taking place and they take over, it's like, wait a minute. I get why y'all are here, but you need to step aside because you're not helping me. You know, I tell myself that they're here to keep me safe, and that's what they think their role is. And it serves no one. What's the medicine in this? And how can I put them, you know, in the cheap seats so that I can move forward because I don't think they ever go away. How do you face the criticism and judgment, and can you share anything with the audience about accepting that when you share your story publicly. Or with other people because not everyone understands, not everyone's in doing the work, and it's so much easier to judge and criticize than it is to be curious and show grace and compassion.

Exactly. And I can tell you that how I respond to it today is very different than when I first started. When I first started, it was hard. It was an awful lot of work. It was really a space of, like, how do I show up and allow myself to be seen? I was receiving an awful lot of criticism from people who are quite close to us. And I think that it's really important to recognize that I know we hear this, but it's hard to see. Criticism from somebody else is not about you. It's about the lens that they're wearing. It's the lens that they're wearing. It's how they are responding. It's how they are choosing to. I know that's easy to say because it stinks. But when you can recognize that, I had to create these little mantras I used every single day. And because people love to give you unsolicited advice. And, like, wait, I don't remember asking. Like, I don't think I even asked. Right? Because even family would do this. And we lived in a very, it was a very chaotic situation. There was nothing I could do to explain how chaotic it was. But I would say, are you offering to come and live at my house for a week so that I could go somewhere else and sleep? Because I was left in, like, years. Oh, you're not. Oh, then I'm not interested. But thanks. Like or I don't remember asking for your opinion because, yeah. And the more you can speak from a neutral space when you do that, the better. Right? Like, I'm not opening up a door to have an argument. I'm like, I don't think I asked for your opinion. And I just say it like that. It's just very simple. The more I practice that, the easier it got, but that's how I decided, and I still use this to this day.

Renee Brown always talks about people like, are they in the arena with you? I take it one step further, and you've already said it, is that in the arena, I'm from Kansas. We have, like, huge arenas. You guys’ hockey, big arenas. Right? Well, you can be in the arena with me, but if you're in the cheap 500 seats and you're spitting down stuff at me, I'm still not interested, you could be in the arena. I still don't care. If my criteria where you have to be on the floor with me. If you're on the floor of the arena with me, day in, day out, walking in my shoes, supporting me some of the ugly times, then I'm open to receiving advice. But if you're not walking alongside me, no, no, thank you. Like, just no, thank you. And that had to become the criteria because we were being bombarded left, right, and center. I mean, just to give some context because right now, it sounds like, oh, she's strong and she's figured that out. No. Back then, I used to go to the grocery store at, like, 10 o'clock at night, so I wouldn't see anybody. Like, I went out of my way to avoid people because the criticism was everywhere, and it took me a long time to even shop in public in ways. So, it’s taken a long time to learn how to do this, but I had to create some criteria for what I would even consider taking advice from. So, that's kind of how he did it in the beginning. And then over time, you know, I've had a lot of mentors. I've never even pretended to do this on my own because it's just too big of a job and a change. And mentors have said to me that the more you speak, because you talk about difficult topics, you have to know more and more people are going to come out of the woodwork. Like, it's going to be, it's normal. And so, create a saying so that when that happens, you can literally say, oh, there's another one. Oh, there's another one. I literally just like, there's another one. I must be doing my job because there's another one. And it's interesting because I do get a lot. I screenshot some, and I show my husband. He's like, I don't even know how you do what you do because I get comments in my DM sometimes. And I think we all do, but what I think is really important is that, again, go back to the lens. It's the lens that they're carrying. We don't know what they're walking through. We don't know their story. And letting go of the anchor is a choice. Learning to see it differently is a choice, and not everybody wants to create change. Right? Not everybody does. And that's fine. Some people quite they hold on to that victim mentality like that is a badge of honor, and they're not going to let go of it.

So, when you start to recognize those things, you become less reactive to it. And when you take better care of yourself, I find you become less reactive to all of it at the same time. Now I openly say it. Like, if I get criticism, I'm like, you’re giving me content for days. Like, you give me a podcast episode. You give me posts. You give me stories. Like, you give me so much content. Thank you. Like, thank you for giving me content. And I flip it, and I flip that script. I will never say in a person's name because I will always take the higher road. But if one person is thinking it, others might be thinking it too, so I choose to respond differently to it. And, oh, no, it's actually quite funny. I'll do multiple episodes on different things like this because I also want the people who are listening, who are trying to find a way to have some courage to show up and share that this is how you can navigate it because it's not going to go away. We're in this time still social media that there will be people who will respond to a message that you say with their lens, with a really nasty comment, in a DM. But if you get 100 comments and you get one really nasty one, and it comes from somebody who has a cat as their picture, and it's, like, user whatever or Barbie, I always get Barbie. I laugh, and I'm like, why on earth are you giving all of your power to one person when there's 99 other ones who are like saying, thank God, and thank you for helping me through this. So, it is a perspective, and it's a choice of how we're responding. And it's taken a long time to get there, but, hopefully, that gives you a few different ideas along the way.

It's about setting boundaries, and I believe that boundary setting is such an important part of self-care. And you mentioned, you know, the more you took care of yourself, the more capacity you had to absorb what you were going through. What other things did you do to take care of yourself and I'm guessing that that's evolved over time too, but realizing that when you can pour into yourself first, you have the ability to maintain those boundaries and keep the haters at bay.

Yeah. Exactly. It's interesting because boundaries are something that I talk about all the time. And I think that when you set boundaries for yourself, when you put self-care in, and self-care can be in whatever you want it to be. But both are very closely tied to your values. So, if you really start to understand what your values are, then and if you haven't done that, like, for anybody listening, go to Pinterest, print off a value sheet, look at, narrow it down to your top 5, and they are the things that define you. They are like, what you're all about, and then make sure that your boundaries and your self-care actually reflect what you say is important to you because then you're being consistent. And if you ever want to change your own self-worth, do what you say you're going to do. Like, follow through with what you say is important to you. And so, that became the big thing is, like, what is important to me? What are my values? Am I doing what I say is important to me? And the more you do that, the more my self-worth started to change, and that value started to change. So, that was definitely a loop that was there.

My mindset, my language, my words, they needed a massive overhaul. Like, it needed so much work. So, as of today, I have done my NLP, which is neuro linguistic programming of practitioner, masters, and trainers. I teach people how to do it now. And I didn't even know what that was back, you know, 8, 9 years ago but that's what I was doing. I was catching the words I was saying. I was changing the words in the moment. I was practicing how to say it differently. And doing those things because all I was saying was, I was stuck. I don't have a choice. So, you can imagine how hopeful I felt. I didn't. And so, learning how to really embody that work was important. Other things that I do is I just, like it just became a question I ask myself, like, does that make me feel better? Does it make me feel worse? Every decision, every choice, every thought that we have is moving us closer to or further away from where we say we want to go. It's never about perfection, but as a whole, are my choices every day adding up to moving me towards where I say I want to go? And if they're not, it’s interesting because everybody uses the buzzwords of integrity and authenticity, but we're so worried about, like, no. I only want to be around people who are authentic and in integrity. I'm going to be really a bit smart for a second, but, really, doing that with yourself. Like, if you're not even doing it with yourself, forget everyone else. It just doesn't matter. And so, I have those moments where I'm like, wow. That is not how I wanted today to go. How I reacted is not how I wanted that to go.

Back to radical responsibility, a lot of times what I'll do is stop and go, okay, wait, what have I done this week? And I look at it, I'm like, okay, all the things I said were important, I haven't done any of them. So, no wonder I haven't acted the way I wanted to, no wonder I'm not responding the way I want to, and no one's going to come and do it for me. Like, no one's coming. So that self-care piece is, I love to use Lisa Nichols example because it's always stuck with me is that we talk about the cup, filling your cup. I saw her speak live once, which is incredible. And she had a cup and a saucer. And she said when you fill the cup, the cup goes to overflow. Right? The overflow is what you feed to others. The cup is yours. And guess what? You can do it like a great job today of filling your cup to overflow. The cup is still drying tomorrow. It doesn't carry over. And so, it really helped me to see, like, I was here, I was holding my cup with a pretty crappy attitude, resentful that my cup was empty, but it's my cup. Like, no one else is going to do this. I got to do this. So, that's that piece of coming back to what do we need to do every day to give myself a fighting chance. It wasn't even to, like, overhaul my life. It was to give myself a fighting chance. So, long answer, sorry. But there's a bunch of different things that I had to do, and it sounds easy. It wasn't. It was a lot of tedious repetition over and over and over in order to continually move the needle forward.

Yes. Thank you. I think of it's not perfect. It's messy. It's hard to be in your authentic self like you said, and it takes small, tiny steps. And I think that part gets missed a lot of times when people decide, okay. I'm going to go to do the work on myself and try to take care of myself and all these things and, you know, again, social media makes it a little challenging at times because it's not a quick fix. And it's always evolving because I always feel like it's a river of rocks and underneath your rocks that you carry around, you start working on them and plucking them and throwing them to the river bank, but there are pretty deep rocks in there that will always come up. And to recognize that and give yourself grace is really important. And when it comes to integrity, I laugh because it is a huge buzzword. And I think it's such a judgy word. My opinion, because everyone's idea of integrity is their own idea of integrity. People make choices and they feel they're aligned with who they are, cool. They're acting in their integrity. Who am I to judge that? Because it is a word that, well, you act with integrity, you act with integrity, I think it's a snapshot in someone's life that will judge him on instead of the big picture.

100% agree.

So, what do you do now? Like, how has your life changed with the process of radical responsibility, owning your story, sharing your story, spreading your light into the world, how has it changed you?

I am a completely different person. I am 100% completely different person. People say that all the time who know me for a long time. They're like, you're very different. I'm like, I know. Thank God. Isn't it? Like, it's just and I'm not that's so self-deprecating. It is, I was not going to survive the way that I was living. And the way I was living was spending every ounce of energy I had to fix, manage, to control everyone else while not taking time for me. And that person wasn't going to survive. She was angry. She was resentful. She was frustrated, annoyed, and now it's like, okay. No. It's my job to take responsibility for me. So, I would say my life is very different now. My relationships are completely different. We've rebuilt in great relationships with our kids. I am proud of them both. My husband and I have a very different relationship. I have great friends in my circle that I could at the drop of a hat if something was wrong, I could message one of them. But that I would do the same thing for them. Like, that kind of a give and take. I am doing work that fulfills me incredibly more than what I was doing. I had a 28-year career in health care, and I was really good at my job. Wow. When you work in health care, you just give to everyone. You are always last on your and I mean, most people don't see that unless you work in that setting, but I didn't. I got to me at the end of my day. And so, a lot of that has changed now, and now I get to help people do things with their stories. I get to help them heal in ways that they couldn't find ways to do. I get to help them build that confidence, find their voice, start a podcast, build a business, all with the parts of themselves that they never thought they'd share with anyone, yet now they're, like, openly sharing. And so, it's really been an interesting thing to watch and see, and it unfolded. The business didn't unfold until probably two and a half, three years after I started, and I think that's a massive blessing. I think it's a massive blessing. I did not come out of the gates going, I got to build a business with my story. No. That's not what happened. I literally was like; how can I find the courage and the confidence to share? And as I did that, people would come to me every talk I had, and they would say, that's my story. I've never told a soul. Like, so many people every time I talked, and that became fuel for me. It really became fuel that I need to keep going. But what also happened is it helped me to heal. Like, it was helping me to heal on a level that I couldn't have planned on, and so I'm just a very different person now, and I'm grateful for the way it's all unfolded.

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I think it also takes a lot of stigmas out of what we create in our minds about substance abuse, disorder, about struggling with your children. When my little guy we went through a lot of trauma informed therapy after I got divorced, it was a pretty high conflict divorce. There was just a lot of stuff in there, and it was really hard because I was so embarrassed. And I was in such survival mode of just trying to heal myself that I had this, you know, amazing kiddo that was in so much pain, and it was very hard, I think, to start the process. And then once I did and, you know, everyone likes to see the happy ending, which is not always the case. But through his post traumatic growth, I think mines were changed, which doesn't necessarily impact my life, but it impacted his because I think when we were in the thick of it, I felt like we were on an island. And there were some moments that were really hard with a six-year-old that I didn't think was supposed to be part of the gig as a parent. Like, there wasn't a book about it. There wasn't a book about all these things that I was going through, and as you share your words, I just, I think, yes. Absolutely. That is so what happened through my journey. And I can't imagine, you know, with the millions and billions and trillions of people in the world that there is just so much light in sharing that. And it helps you on your journey. It helps you to become the best version of yourself. And I always think of the Doctor Seuss quote, people that mind don't matter and people that matter don't mind. And I say that over and over when a new person is brought into my life, I'm like, oh, what a great connection. And then I think, man, 5 or 6 years ago, this would have never worked out. But that's the power of healing and growing and learning. And that soil, the fertile soil of your experiences helps you continue to grow.

Oh, it so does. Thank you for sharing that, honestly. Because I think you just demonstrated a great example that we don't have to walk in the same story to connect to each other. I think that's a big misconception. We think that we're only going to connect with people who have walked in our story, and that is the furthest thing from the truth. As humans, we all experience emotions, we all experience like, we have feelings, we go through these things. And so, we recognize our self and someone else's story even if we've never walked in their shoes. And I think that's a really powerful piece about connection. And we've all had times in our life where as soon as you said it, like, I feel like I'm on an island and people are like, oh, yeah. I know that feeling. That's a very relatable feeling regardless of the story. And so, I think that was the other big purpose behind what I started to do. I also want to share when I decided to start doing this. Everything was crazy. Like, they thought it was a ridiculous idea. We don't talk about our difficult things. We don't tell people that we're struggling. It’s just not something that we do. And I'm like, but maybe that's why we're here in this space of we're all feeling alone because we're not allowed to talk about the difficult things. We're walking around with the fakest smile in our face like life is amazing, and we're crumbling inside. It is like it's just killing us. And that was the one thing is I didn't want others to feel alone because I know what alone felt like.

You know, my partner and I, we talk about, you know, we met later in life, and we joke because we've both done the work. And we met each other exactly where we were and we describe it as tar. Like, sometimes we're walking down the path, and we get stuck in some tar. And it's getting through the tar and letting it come off of us and kind of get out of that sticky. But in order to get rid of it, you have to keep moving forward. and you have to be willing to keep going. Just keep going. Set some things down that make it harder to keep going and get out of that sticky stuff. I hear you talk about that. And I'm like, yeah. That's very powerful. Very powerful. So, how can people find you? How can my people find you, my listeners and reach out to you? I'll put everything in the show notes.

I made it as easy as possible because I do have a long last name, so it's Marsha Vanw. Everything from website to Google, if you have, like, social media, if you start typing Marsha Vanw, it's 99.9% is me. It comes up. So, there's that. Everything is there from my website. All the different things that I offer, whether it is, like, writing your book or you want to learn a little bit more about NLP. I run a 6-month coaching certification, really helps people to learn those tools and be able to put them into practice in their own life and their clients. So, they've been a game changer. And my podcast is called, Own Your Choices, Own Your Life. My second podcast is called, Everybody Holds a Story. Obviously, I'm all about stories. You can tell. And so, it is just those are the easiest ways to find me.

That's beautiful. And I agree. Stories are the medicine that, you know, we really all need. Thank you so much. My last question, and I'm curious is, when you look back, you know, a lot of therapy and the work is making peace with your inner child and your young child, what I have learned is that there's sometimes that there's other versions of me that I kind of got to, like, pull aside and make peace with. Because I was pretty hard on myself when I know I was in a really dark place. Have you done that with the younger version of yourself? The newly going through the mess and make peace with her, doing the best she could with the situation she had.

Okay. You have no idea how much I love this question. So, thank you for asking. I do. I've actually done through my work with NLP. I've done a lot of inner child work. And I remember thinking, like, this is crazy. This is sad. And it was like, oh, no. It was actually incredibly valuable. And I've done it all the way down to young child, but what I can say is there was the very first time I spoke on stage. I had a picture of myself on stage, went up to speak. I had my whole 10-minute talk completely memorized, not the best way to connect with people because then, of course, I forgot my words and I thought, I've screwed this up, and, actually, it was a complete opposite. Right? You know, me, things need to be perfect. And that time in my life, I was just starting to find my way. I was probably about 30 pounds more than what I am now. I had this really lost look in my face. Like, when I look back at that picture, I had a lot of really not great feelings about myself and even up until the last couple of years. And I would look at it and go, oh my gosh. Like, I can't share that. That's just not when I was my best self. And I had a moment when I did the inner child work. that I've stopped and went, what other pictures do I have? That I'm critical of myself. And I pulled that one up, and I literally put it up and I wrote a thank you letter to that version of myself from 8 years ago thanking her for having the courage to get up on stage when her life was still a mess, when her health was not great, when her mindset was just started. And I just literally, like, poured into and thanked her. And now to this day, it's one of my favorite pictures I share on a regular basis. Because if we're going to hold those feelings of resentment to parts of ourselves, those parts of ourselves are always with us. Like, if you want to improve your relationships, you have to find a way to clear that energy, and that was one of the best exercises I've ever done.

Your younger version of yourself got you to where you are today. And when you hold on to resentment, for parts of those parts of yourselves, like, that's sitting inside you. That resentment is sitting inside you. So, I spent a long time. I wrote a really long letter. I practice it. I will even share posts with the picture from now until then. And some people will say, but you looked great then. I'm like, nope. You’re missing the whole point. You're missing the whole point. Like, it's nothing about looks. It's there's an emptiness in her eyes and a fear in her eyes. And she was so afraid of being judged. And I just have learned to forgive those parts of myself and really pour love into it. And all of that, that is very feminine work. I'm going to say that for a second. I have to. I spent most of my life in my masculine. It's a trauma response. It's literally how I survived, and so, learning these parts of myself are very different now. Very freeing. Very, very freeing. I encourage anyone to do that. Just pick that one picture that you feel that little bit of judgment of yourself on and pour some love back into that person because they help to get you here.

What a beautiful answer. Thank you. And, yes, we could talk a whole other hour on feminine and masculine energy because I too spent my entire life very male dominated. And so, thank you, Marsha, for being an incredible guest and just sharing your story and so much wisdom, and I cannot wait to share this with my community. And I look forward to connecting with you later on down the road in social media and follow along and just follow your wisdom. It's been fantastic.

Thank you so much for having me, Diane. I love this conversation, and I love the title of your show because we all have that fire inside of us. It's our job to try and find a way to allow it to come out. So, I love it.

Thank you. It is. We got to keep it burning. We got to maintain it after we find it. Thank you.

Another great conversation. Thank you for giving the valuable gift of your time and listening to The Fire Inside Her podcast. Speaking of value, one of the most common potholes we fall into on the journey to authenticity is not recognizing our value. So, I created a workbook. It’s all about value. Head on over to thefireinsideher.com/value to get your free workbook that will help you remember your value. Until next time, my friend.