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Hi, friend. Change is the one constant in life we can count on. I don't disagree that change is constant, but there are times when I would like the changes to slow down. An important lesson I learned at the executive fire officer program is that people can only change at a rate they can handle. So that means if the change is too much or too fast and you've exceeded your capacity, it may feel overwhelming and push you into panic mode, or you might just shut down and become change resistant. And that's tricky because everyone has different capacity. So if you feel off and not handling the changes in your life as well as you think you should be, do me a favor. Take a deep breath or 5 and give yourself some grace.

Life isn't a race. There is no finish line to cross because when you get to the finish line for life, you die. But you don't have to navigate change alone. One of the many benefits of my newsletter is that it goes out to an amazing community of humans who are navigating life with purpose and navigating the changes. Trust me, there is more capacity when you're part of a community and knowing that you are not alone. Ready to join our supportive community? Sign up today for the newsletter at the Fire Inside her.comforward/list.

Welcome to The Fire Inside Her, a brave space to share stories of navigating life transitions with authenticity, using our inner fire to light the way, and self care as our loyal travel companion. I'm your host, Diane Schroeder, and I'm so grateful you are here.

Today, I'm excited to welcome doctor Fanny back to the show. But before we get started, we cover some adult topics. And if there are little ears around, you might wanna put in your earbuds. Doctor Fanny and I had a powerful conversation in episode 38, which you can find in the show notes. She is so informative and knowledgeable about sex and sexuality The I wanted to invite her back and have her share with us all things to do with orgasms, including where they originate, how safety and intimacy are tied together, unintended, and the importance of communicating and embracing your desires. I hope you enjoy this episode.

Alright, everyone. I am so excited for today's return guest. Doctor Fanny is back to enlighten us with some female wisdom. She was a guest last fall, and I will link the show episode in the notes. And, doctor Fanning, welcome back. It's so good to have you.

Hey. I'm so excited to be back. Thank you for having me again. Bye, everyone.

Wonderful. Well, we've got some exciting things coming up that we were just talking about before we hit record, so be sure to be on the lookout for that. And I wanna start today's conversation off with, what is your favorite music artist currently and why?

I am a fan of Dua Lipa and her last song that's called Houdini. Like, catch me on my Fire, Houdini. I'm like, oh, yeah. That's so me. Yes.

Oh, okay. I like it. I like it. Did you happen to watch the Grammys? She performed it, and it was it was hot.

Yeah. I haven't yet. I heard it was amazing. Like, this ceremony had some good stuff to watch, apparently.

Yes. It absolutely did. Well, thank you for sharing. And last time you were on the show, we kinda covered a wide variety of pleasure and sex. And today, I really am curious to just dive into and talk all about orgasms. And, you know, you had said before we hit record, like, talk about the fire inside you and that release, which is absolutely correct. I guess I let's start with what are some myths or inaccurate information that you hear all the time about orgasms?

The big one is orgasm is The arrhythmic contraction of a pelvic floor. No. Orgasm is in your brain more than in your genitalia or anything that is related to your pelvic floor. You can have great pelvic health. It's amazing to have amazing orgasms, but it's not the definition of it.

Okay. Alright. So we'll unpack that The in just a second. Give me a couple more. What are some other misconceptions that you hear about orgasms? That, number 1, they don't take place in the genitalia area. They take place in your brain. What's another one?

I think it's something about orgasms are so complicated, or they're so elusive, and, like, it's it's really challenging to get them. And and or, like, female sexuality is so complicated. No.

It's not.

No, it's not. It's only a question of figuring out what you like and then playing with it.

Oh, okay. Okay. We're gonna get back to unpack that too. And so for the third one, I'm going to ask, is it true that you have to be with another person to have an orgasm, or you have to have a toy, or you have to have some form of stimulation in order to have an orgasm?

Hell no. Oh my. Of course not. I mean, how come we could only have an orgasm if we are in a partnership or, even if it's Fire a The night partnership? They'll know.

You know, I read somewhere that it's actually pretty uncommon to have an orgasm for a The night stand. You know, media and the movies make it this big, like, these great I started binge watching Sex and The City again, and I was Fire, Samantha, she is my spirit animal on that show. But I'm like, that was never my experience in life. So is is there any truth to that The it's not uncommon to not have an orgasm with The first time?

Definitely. It's always a combination between two things, How much you know your body and how much you know what brings you pleasure and how aware you are of your erotic buffet, if I put it that way. And the willingness of the person in front of you to listen to what you have The idea and to be attuned to what you have and what you desire and what brings you pleasure. So you can have an amazing orgasm with an amazing one night Diane. And also you can have an amazing orgasms from a relationship that you take the time to build. So Yeah. Statistics never work.

True. And I think part of that is also having the courage to speak up and say what you want and describe or show or, you know, express what brings you pleasure. Is that accurate?

Of course. We are served all of these cliches about orgasms and pleasure. Basically, orgasm looking like when Harry met Sally scene when she starts yelling, like in a bad porn movie. Yes. So figuring out that Fire, no orgasms in aren't The. And they get to look what you Fire, what you want. And then owning that, Her, I am different from what we are used to see and what is considered common. So owning that and then sharing it, like, wow.

That requires a huge amount of, first, self knowledge and then courage, owning that you won't you know what you want and you want it.

And not being ashamed of it.

Oh, yeah. Shame sucks.

Yes. And it's so powerful. And, you know, I we talked about this during our first episode, how shame is, you know, really, it's stigmatized sex and pleasure and feeling good. Let's go back then and share a little bit about how orgasms are created in your brain between your ears and why why this happens and maybe even 1 or 2 tips to really kind of, prepare your mind for the explosion internally, so to speak.

There are many types of definitions for orgasm, but the one I like is the one from Emily Nagoski. She wrote an amazing book that is called Come As You Are that you should offer to any women in your life that you care about. And it's called a spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex related stimuli. So simply put, a sex related stimuli creates some tension in your body, and the release of that tension is the orgasm, the release of energy. And this release can be stored anywhere. Diane be in your pelvic floor. It can be in your throat. It can be in your shoulders.

It can be in your face.

Okay. Let's unpack that just a little bit more. So if I'm hearing the definition correctly and how you describe it, it's whatever creates that tension or stimulates you. And, you know, that probably explains why there's so many fetishes in the world and why, you know, certain people get stimulated by certain things, and what turns someone on may not turn everyone on, and that's okay. It's finding what turns you on and stimulates you, and then the release can be from anywhere. So does that explain why some people scream, why some people shake or cry, or or just have that emotional release? And, again, there's probably no shame in that either. Right?

Oh, no. There's no shame in that. And I would even go further. 2 things here. 1st, you can get orgasm from almost anything. People can have orgasms from imagination and breath. You can have orgasms from having your earlobe licked or your shoulders massaged or anything. It's just the release of the neuromuscular tension.

It doesn't have to be penetration.

Of course not. Hell no. How limited is that? I would even go further and say that emotions are sensations stuck in our bodies and given meaning by our brains. It's not something that you think and that goes into your body. It's sensations given meaning by your brain. And that's why you can have emotional orgasm. You can have anger orgasm. You can have disgustgasm.

They're amazing because you play with the shame that is going on. You can have sadgasm. It's the release of this neuromuscular tension that can look like anything.

That is absolutely fascinating. So for my listeners, what does that mean in a very, like, practical, tactile, no pun intended, how can they explore that and be curious of what could bring them pleasure in that release?

So first, the idea is to actually let go of orgasm. This is just a question of exploring your pleasure. You always have your mind with you, and your mind is always here trying to assess if you're making progress and if you're making enough progress regarding the effort you're putting in something. And if you use orgasm at the goal, your mind will always be Fire, either you're not making enough efforts or The progress until the result isn't fast enough. So there's no way to get The. Whereas, if you let go of the orgasm and focus on the pleasure, your mind is happy because the goal is pleasure. So the goal is set and Diane, and so we can enjoy. So Fire, focus on pleasure.

Okay. And what we focus on grows. There is maybe pun intended on that, which makes sense because now you're you're hacking your brain. Right? You're hacking that piece of your brain that, like, just your brain will focus on what you tell it to focus on.

Yeah.

Okay. So let go of the the goal, the end state of having an orgasm. Now another question I have The that some of my listeners may have as well. Okay. That's great, Fanny, but my partner is very like, that's how they mark their success as a lover if I have an orgasm. How would you respond to that? What's a great way to kind of talk about that beforehand so it takes all the pressure and the expectations off?

1st, tell your partner that you are changing your goal from having an orgasm to experiencing the most expansive, the most intimate, the most emotional pleasure. We tend to forget to tell our partners what we are doing. So to release the pressure that's on them too. Like, I don't care about orgasm right now, so please don't care either. And, there's really something about allowing The building the connection. So when you discover your pleasure and you discover it with your partner, you can build together something that feels amazing and will that will help you feel better and better. So it's really a matter of communication and owning that at the moment, orgasm is not what you want to focus on. It's about pleasure.

And tell your partner that you want to be listened with this goal. You want to be heard, and that's what you're focusing on. And if they don't like it, then that's on them because you need to be listened to and honored in what you want.

That is so beautiful. And for the guys that are listening, because I do have men that are part of the audience, what can you share with them? Because I think and this could be this could be another myth, so please correct me if I'm wrong, that orgasm is experienced differently through the male brain. And if you could maybe dispel some of that, or what are some tips for the guys that they can just focus on pleasure and not have to worry about, am I lasting long enough, or is this orgasm gonna be good, or am I selfish because I got my orgasm Fire? You know, just all the all the guy talk.

I'm definitely not a specialist about the guy talk, but what I can say is how the pressure women get, Men get it in another way, the idea of lasting long enough or having to perform something. So getting in the spectator mind somehow is really not something that is helpful. The idea of just focusing on pleasure is really useful for men and women and gender nonconforming people.

Yes. Thank you for sharing that. And that that was kind of the point I was getting at, but it's it's more about creating presence and intimacy and connection Fire, even if it's just a The night Diane, because you can do that in a one night stand as well. To have that and The leads to step, whatever, Fire, 6, 7, 8, which is the tension release. But laying those expectations and, really, I think that's good life advice for any type of relationship. If you can lay out the expectations and be present and in the moment, the event or the conversation or whatever the experience is tends to go a little bit better.

In the end, it's always a question of mindfulness. Like, how simple is that?

Yep. Not not thinking about the grocery list.

And, also, how some people call sex the active form of meditation, which I love because it brings the mindfulness part to the front.

That's a great point. Okay. Well, thank you for dispelling that myth.

I wanted to talk about the how to get the pleasure on a very practical way. I think, the idea is first to assess where you are. Because so many of us are disconnected from our bodies in a state of emotional numbness, physical numbness, sexual numbness, and it's an illusion to be like, hell yeah. I'm gonna be 100% connected to my pleasure tomorrow. It takes a little more time, and at the same time, it's not complicated. The idea Her, to feel the pleasure, you need to feel it all. There's no way you can feel the pleasure of chocolate if you don't know what chocolate tastes like and smells like and sounds like when you have it in between your teeth. And so when you reclaim, when you reawaken all of your senses, take The time to smell, take the time to touch, to play with texture, to play with smells, to play with music, you reclaim your body sensitivity.

And when you have that, suddenly, you have a whole playground available. So when you have that, you can notice what type of touch do I Fire, what type of touch is just meh, and what type of touch is hell no. Same goes for smell. Same goes for music. So I think the pleasure reclaiming pleasure can feel really big depending on where you're coming from. And what I Fire to share with the person I'm working with, if pleasure is unaccessible at the moment, Fire, focus on what is soothing you. What is making you a little bit more comfortable right now? That's really something I like Diane that I feel is helpful.

That is amazing advice and wisdom and a great place to start. And I think the most profound piece of that is that it takes time. You're probably not gonna wake up tomorrow with all the answers and all the connection and everything. It it's really getting to know your body and yourself and what you like, not what you've been told you should like or what your partner likes or what you think everyone else would like. It's really being honest with yourself.

Yeah. So many of us have been living in conditioning mode, supposed to like something or supposed to say things, and how successful your relationship is supposed to be or whatever. In the end, it's just a question of, is this neuromuscular release tension from a sex stimulating situation something I like or not? That's it.

It's very simple, yet I think we we as humans tend to complicate it.

That's what our minds do best. Right.

But, you know, I've I've learned I just named my ego, and I have the security detail in my brain. There's different characters for different moments in my Fire, but, really, it's the ego most of the time that's, like, standing up screaming, no. Don't do this. This isn't safe. This is uncharted territory, or what if this, this, and this goes wrong, or you should do The? And I've just learned to be like, Ginger, shush. Get in the back seat. I got this. I want to explore.

And I know that our egos and our minds are there to protect us, so it's very conflicting. But when it comes to all of the feel good pleasure and stuff like that, it's just really important to make sure your ego's in the back seat.

I call them The voices, my own personal SM dungeon in my head.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Tell me more about that. I am dying to hear more.

I already noticed once I was having a conversation with someone, and I was at the rabbit hole of a train of thoughts that I always go to when I feel bad. And part of me was wondering, how is this helping me to just make me feel so bad? Because it's not bringing me any solution or anything. Like, I'm basically racing the same shit over and over and over again. And, like, someone enjoys reading, making me feel bad. Like a crappy SM dungeon that has no respect for any basic of safety and consent and safe word. So, no, I'm not doing that.

Oh my gosh. That is perfect. Like, they're literally, it's not there for pleasure. It's there to torture you, your SM dungeon.

It's it's crappy. Definitely a crappy dungeon. And it's so interesting to see how then you can play with the different personas. Like, I can have a domino that is saying to me, you're such a piece of crap. You are unworthy of anything. I can have, like, an inner parent that forgot to take parenting class and keep saying, but this person is doing so much better than you. Or I have this secretary that is like, I needed this for yesterday. How come you haven't done it already? You should have it done it already, and this person is doing so much faster than you.

And all of these characters, you can play with them. You can increase the volume, or you can bring baby Volmies on the thing that Domino is wearing, or you can have this secretary have a window around messing her messing up with her hair or anything. When you notice The are just characters in your own mind, you can play with them.

I love that because you you can't get rid of them. I mean, it it's been my experience that trying to get rid of them does no good. In fact, it makes them stronger. But if you can acknowledge and identify and be like, hey. I see you. Thank you. I got The, or we're gonna introduce more characters or more voices that you know, to kind of balance the overaggressive protective ones, that it it clears a little bit of space. What do you think about that?

Definitely. Would your resist persists? Like, trying to prevent someone from talking by shushing them all the time or putting your hand on their mouth or whatever have never worked. So why would it work in your mind?

That's a really good point. And I think of that from, like, a parenting, just a basic parenting The my son was a toddler, and I'd be like, just no. And as soon as it's like an invitation to speak louder or cry louder or anything, and it raised my anxiety, and I think so it raised his anxiety. So when we go back to energy and talk about energy release, if your energy is off and you're not at the higher vibration to release the best tension possible, you're never gonna get The, and those voices in your head kind of can mess with your energy.

Yeah. Definitely. That's why it's so important to learn how to play with them and how to befriend them just so that they don't have the driver's seat. They're allowed to be in the car. You you know, I I like to think of them like the old auntie The you can have in a dinner family dinner. You know, the one that is weird, the smell's weird, but The she's always The, and you need to be nice to her. But, yeah, you don't have to spend the whole night with her. Same goes with some voices in your head.

Well and it's also introducing the other voices in your head, and the voices of joy and pleasure and and playing with your muse and really kind of that curiosity and being creative. And I think, you know, it's not binary. You can't have 1 or the other. You can have all of them, and I think we tend to, at least I know I have personally, played down the voices of joy and pleasure and curiosity because I thought that they weren't as valuable, and they weren't going to drive me, which really, if I'm being, you know, even more honest, it's that feminine and masculine energy. So how do you coach people, or what would you tell people? How do they, you know, baby steps in getting to know what they Fire? But even introducing yourself to your muse or your joy or your pleasure, how would you recommend taking those steps?

I think what works tremendously is to do some inner child healing at some point, like having this conversations with your inner child. From a tantric perspective, they consider that everything that you are experiencing, every emotion, sensation, any part of you is a part of universal consciousness. So you can talk to these parts of you, so you can talk to your inner child. You can have a conversation. And it's really interesting to notice how so many of us have playgrounds in our chest with so many inner children, and how allowing them the space to actually be children. Because somehow growing up is confused with killing your joy. I think it's really something about figuring out what brings you joy. And if that's not accessible, because it really irritates me when people say cliche to your Fire, and you're like, I have no idea what brings me joy at the moment.

It's just to find something that is soothing you. In the end, it's really a question of safety in your nervous system and stepping out of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And when you choose to soothe yourself, you create a little bit more of safety. And then from safety, you can figure out what feels good, and what feels good, and what brings you joy. If you're chasing a lion, you're you're followed by a Diane, you're not gonna savor the different spices you've cooked your meal with. That's not gonna work like that.

I love this conversation, and I think, really, a huge piece of this too. And I don't talk about it a lot on the journey to authenticity, but when you're really working on becoming your most authentic self, I think a huge part of that, and I'm just having this revelation as we're talking, is also embracing your desire and what you want to fulfill yourself sexually and through orgasm or through connection. And, you know, I said we're gonna talk all about orgasm, but, really, we're talking about connecting with yourself on a very intimate level so that you can release that tension, and it's, you know, uncovering a lot of the woods and shoulds and, you know, judgments and stereotypes that either people have set on yourself or you have set upon yourself and letting that go so you can be your most authentic, joyful, pleasurable self.

Wow. Yeah. I think that's a big blind spot in self development and self improvement in general. It's how we focus on our mindset and we forget our bodies. And if we get the bodies, somehow we tend to forget The of one of the big blind spot of our society. Like, no. Sexual energy is amazing. It's literally life creating.

So, of course, you will feel half alive and half asleep, like sleepwalking like a zombie if you have no connection to your sexual energy. Yes.

And, you know, it's also as I've been working on, my program, balanced life on purpose, I use the elements of, you know, earth, fire, wind, and water. And when I think of fire, I think of that transformation of not just transforming yourself, but transforming that energy. And what a beautiful description you've given on how to do that and how to connect with yourself Fire. And you don't need The partner. You don't need toys. You don't need anything but your own self. Correct? Oh, Her. Yeah.

And I would even go further. You get to expand your erotic buffet if you try with yourself. If you try with your hands, you step out of the autopilot and habits that you might have play put in place with your partner or with your joy. It's really, again, coming back to this mindfulness and presence that helps you build and expand your awareness of what's available, what's pleasureful, and all of what you can play with.

Thank you. It also is very powerful because now you're not dictating your pleasure based on what someone else does or doesn't do to you. You if you can be so in touch with yourself and know what you like and what you desire and what you crave and you have the courage to ask for it and show and explore, then it's very empowering. And I I can only imagine that it's gonna feel really good too when you're intimate with someone. And when we talk about taking the pressure off the other person, man, it's really nice because you're giving them a road map. You're giving them the directions. You're telling them what you need and also creating the space for them to share with you what they need.

The the beauty of a road map is that also you can take a detour. Like, it's not that because you know what you like that you won't be surprised by someone doing something differently. You might change you might enjoy it more, or less, and that's okay. It's better to actually know what you feel inside and be connected to these sensations, to these emotions, to what you feel so that you can adjust and adapt and build the dance with the person you're doing it or build the dance with yourself. And also acknowledging that this dance is going to be different from one day to another. One day, you will like some salsa dancing that is very lovely. And some days, you will be open for a wall for a waltz or going to ballet and then going to bachacha or anything. You can play with that.

It will change.

We talk a lot about how you wanna have financial health The you wanna have, you know, good social health and these things that we talk about for complete life. We don't really talk about the sexual and pleasurable health that is important for a well rounded experience, I think. And I just I love that you've shed so much light on this. Now if you wouldn't mind telling my listeners a little bit about the launch of your YouTube channel, and you're stepping a little bit out of your comfort zone possibly to, you know, expand and grow your audience. So where can we find you?

Thank you so much for offering that. So this is like a live version of step out of your comfort zone and shake off your nervous system. And to give your listeners some feedback, I'm a doctor, so I basically chose this job so that I didn't have to take any marketing lessons of anything from anyone. So let's talk about a change. I have my my own podcast that is one 1 year old now. That's my little baby. I call myself the podcaster version of a young parent. You know, when they show you pictures of their kid, I talk about my podcast.

And somehow in my system, having my podcast out there was super nice, but on YouTube, hell no. So frightening. God knows what. So I'm really stepping out of that and having the Your Sexified Life YouTube channel on with the podcast episodes or maybe videos if I want at some point. Just owning that this wisdom, this sassiness as well needs to be shared and heard. Now I'd love to see you there.

Yes. I agree. I will link everything in the show notes so that people can find you if they have more questions. And if my listeners have any questions for you that come up after they hear this episode, would you be willing to hop on another call or podcast and answer those questions kind of in real time?

Of course. I'd love that. That would be amazing. We bring so much wisdom from these questions, addressing what people truly want to hear. That's why this is the best.

Yes. Okay. Thank you. So for those of you listening, you can go ahead and in the show notes, follow the link. I'll put a questionnaire there if you have any questions for doctor Fanny or myself that you are dying to know, and they can be anonymous. And we'll we'll answer them and try to give you some guidance. So, Fanny, thank you so much for sharing more wisdom today. I always love our conversations, and I never know where they're gonna go, but they're just gold.

I really appreciate you taking the time all the way from France to connect with me.

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much everyone for tuning in today.

Another great conversation. Thank you for giving the valuable gift of your time and listening to The Fire Inside Her podcast. Speaking of value, one of the most common potholes we fall into on the journey to authenticity, is not recognizing our value. So, I created a workbook. It's all about value. Head on over to thefireinsideher.com/value to get your free workbook that will help you remember your value. Until next time, my friend.