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Diane Schroeder [00:00:00]:

Welcome to The Fire Inside Her. A brave space to share stories of navigating life transitions with authenticity, using our inner fire to light the way, and self care as our loyal travel companion. I'm your host, Diane Schroeder, and I'm so grateful you are here. Welcome back, friend. I can't believe we are already in back to school mode. Summer went by way too fast, and now we are shifting gears to busy weeks with early mornings, homework, football, and school routine. My little man's father and I separated in 2014 and divorced in 2015, and it was messy. My son was 2, and we had to figure out how to make it work.

Diane Schroeder [00:00:54]:

It was not easy. And a decade later, it's still a work in progress, but we seem to have found a rhythm and have kept our son as the priority. Today, I have the privilege of chatting with Heather Ruiz from TalkingParents. Heather is a passionate advocate for single parents and co parents. She draws from her 13 years of co parenting experience with her former partner to share her insights and practical advice. Talking parents is hands down the best tool and resource I have found for co parenting. Together, we highlight the importance of effective communication, the role of technology in managing co parenting duties, and the emotional challenges of being a single parent. We discuss how services like TalkingParents can streamline documentation, improve coordination, and ultimately serve as a self care tool for parents navigating the complexities of co parenting.

Diane Schroeder [00:01:57]:

Prioritizing children's well-being and proactive planning can transform form the co parenting journey into a peaceful experience. Whether you're a seasoned co parent or new to the challenges, this episode promises support, resources, and encouragement. Hello, fiery souls. Today, I am so excited as I am every episode. But today is special because we're gonna talk about something that we have not discussed before, co parenting. My guest today is Heather Ruiz who works for Talking Parents, which we will get into. It's an amazing resource if you are a co parent and she is a co parent herself. So, Heather, thank you for being here and welcome.

Heather Ruiz [00:02:41]:

Absolutely. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here and to talk about all things co parenting.

Diane Schroeder [00:02:47]:

Absolutely. Before we get started, I always ask a silly icebreaker question. So my icebreaker question for you is, what is your favorite junk food?

Heather Ruiz [00:02:58]:

Oh, I am an all things gummies girl. So sour gummy bears, gummy worms, traditional gummy bears, the cholio. I mean, anything gummy that is right up my alley, I could probably demolish an entire 3 pound bag in a sitting and not feel bad about it. So

Diane Schroeder [00:03:17]:

yes. Absolutely. I am the same. My haribo gummy bears are a staple in my house because when I'm stressed, that is what I want. Absolutely. Absolutely. Fantastic. Well, as I mentioned a few minutes ago, we're you're here today and as a co parent and working for Talking Parents.

Diane Schroeder [00:03:36]:

And I think, you know, we don't talk a lot at least I don't, on this show, talk a lot about co parenting. I try to keep that, you know, kinda quiet. However, it's really important if you have a 2 parent home for the kids to have resources to help co parent or parallel parent or whatever term you use to better navigate life for your kids. And so why don't you start by sharing a little bit of your journey and how you ended up at Talking Parents and some of the bigger broad strokes of your co parenting journey.

Heather Ruiz [00:04:11]:

Yeah. Absolutely. So I have been co parenting for about 13 years now. I have a daughter who is 14, a son who's almost 17. Their father and I separated just before my daughter turned 1. So pretty much their entire memory, you know, of our relationship has been in separate homes. You know, the initial separation, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great. And, you know, he came from a separated household.

Heather Ruiz [00:04:41]:

My parents are still married, you know, going on 40 plus years at this point. So really navigating that was tough. You read all the books. You, you know, talk to people who've been in that situation and everything. But the one thing that I did appreciate is that the very beginning and every conversation that we had through the separation, the divorce, and all of that was, at the end of the day, we have to remember that this is about the kid. We can't let our baggage and any of our past stuff come and leak in and affect our individual relationships with them or their lives. It's gonna be difficult enough to be between the 2 households, but we have to remember every decision that is made, every conversation that we have needs to be child focused and ensuring that we're doing the best thing for them. So we've really tried to kind of keep that mantra.

Heather Ruiz [00:05:31]:

If we have gotten into arguments or had disagreements, you know, we've taken a step back and said, okay. Run it through the funnel. You know? What is best for the kids at this point, and how can we best support them regardless of your feelings and regardless of mine? So, you know, we've we've had our ups and downs through our relationship. We got to a really good place, but then I got remarried. Things got rocky again for a little while with that. But now, you know, I've been remarried for 8 years, and I asked and my current husband have a good working relationship and, you know, try to keep everything very business focused with the communication. But then, again, at the end of the day, it's all about the kids, you know, making sure that they have what they want, that they feel loved, and don't feel torn, you know, between the families and and things along those lines. So I was approached by the owner of Talking Parents about 3 years ago, almost 4 years ago now at this point, to join the company.

Heather Ruiz [00:06:29]:

I had worked with him on some other projects within our community here, and he brought me in, as director of marketing about 4 years ago, and I was so excited because it was this great cross section of technology. I love the technology field and the technology realm, but also co parenting, which, obviously, I am very passionate about and wanna do what I can to ensure that people don't go through what I did or what some of my friends or family members have gone through in their co parenting journey. So, yeah, I've been here for almost 4 years now, and it's truly been, you know, a job for me and a career path, but a passion project as well.

Diane Schroeder [00:07:11]:

Wow. Thank you for sharing all of that. And, yes, it that is amazing when everything aligns, and then, you know, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Let's go back just a little bit to the co parenting journey. You know, your story resonates with me because it's my parents were married for 55 years until my father passed away. My son's father, same thing. So we did not come from divorced parents. And growing up, I remember I grew up in the eighties.

Diane Schroeder [00:07:40]:

I felt like I was unique, that all my friends' parents were divorced, but mine weren't. And then when I got divorced, I felt like my son was in the exact opposite, that he was the only one who had divorced parents, and all of his friends did not have 2 homes. And I think I carried a lot of shame and guilt around that. You know, we won't get into the details of why marriages fall apart, but that can be a completely separate episode. But I think just as a single mom, it's it's hard and there's a lot of stigma around that. Did you face any of that in your journey about the stigma of being a single mom and divorced parent?

Heather Ruiz [00:08:19]:

Absolutely. And, you know, I'm I'm a younger mom as well, so I had, you know, my son and my daughter, you know, very young. So it's not uncommon for me amongst my children, friends, parents, you know, to be 5, sometimes, you know, closer to 10 years younger than a lot of the parents there too. So not only was I a younger mom, I was also a working mom. You know? And my group that I was with and a lot of my, you know, parents' friends and things like that. You know, mom got to stay home and kinda raise those kids and everything. So not only was I divorced, had my children super young, had them in before and after school daycare, you know, from the time that they were, you know, 10 weeks old, you know, that type of situation. So it was kind of almost this trifecta of I'm kinda messing up here, you know, or or or whatever it is at that.

Heather Ruiz [00:09:18]:

And it's difficult because we got divorced when I was very young as well. Mhmm. And so it was kinda like, man, I hadn't even hit my stride, you know, early twenties yet. And here I am, you know, married, 2 kids, divorced, and it's trying to start my career and, you know, all of those things. And sometimes I just felt like, you know, a mess Oh. To be completely honest. You know? But it's it's tough, but thankfully, you know, I had a good support system and and, you know, that shame and and some of that regret or guilt that you have with the kids and all of those things. You know, I finally, one day, just realized I had to let that all go and know that I was gonna do the best that I could do.

Heather Ruiz [00:10:05]:

And at the end of the day, if love counts, me and my kids were gonna be in the best position ever. So

Diane Schroeder [00:10:12]:

That is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I, I was a working single mom on shift work and saying, like, similar, like, I felt like I was just always you know, it was I was torn from striving to be successful in my career and be a present mom and always being tired and, you know, trying to do all the things while and and looking back now, I love what you said about love. If love counts, then yeah. That's finally, one of my good friends told me that. She's like, Diane, just love him. If you make all of your decisions based on what is best for him, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. And I think it's important for those listening who are co parents or who are, you know, single parents or maybe not in the greatest spot in their relationship to hear that from, you know, 2 different perspectives, 2 different single moms, co parents that just love your kids, and that's what they remember.

Heather Ruiz [00:11:09]:

Absolutely. Yeah. They're not judging you based off of their birthday parties or the fact that they had to go to day care. A lot of times, they're not even they're not thinking that way. You know? They're so engrossed in themselves and their own lives that they're not making those comparisons like we do because they don't know any better. So a lot of those fears and stuff, I realized as the kids got older just in conversations with them, they were completely oblivious to it. You know, they had no idea.

Diane Schroeder [00:11:36]:

Exactly. The other thing I realized, it was another sage piece of wisdom, is, you know, I was so worried I was just gonna screw my son up, that he was just gonna be a hot mess because I was a single mom. Yep. And another single mom pulled me aside and she said, look. My kids don't remember so many of the things that you think they're gonna remember, but, you know, that they'll they'll grow up and be like, man, I don't even remember that. And it's true. I'm seeing that now. Like, I'll ask a question about something, I don't know, 8 or 9 years ago.

Diane Schroeder [00:12:06]:

And he's like, I don't even remember that.

Heather Ruiz [00:12:09]:

Yep. Absolutely. Wonderful.

Diane Schroeder [00:12:13]:

So why don't you tell everyone what Talking Parents is and what a great resource that is. I am a huge fan of it. I've been using it for almost a decade. But I would love for you to just let my listeners know what is Talking Parents.

Heather Ruiz [00:12:28]:

Yeah. Absolutely. So TalkingParents is a co parenting communication service, and it really helped bring all those aspects of a co parenting situation, into one centralized location. I like to look at it as your, like, co parenting toolbox. Right? So, you know, if you're not using an app, you know, or or a a service to kind of keep everything scheduled, you know that you've got a text message with your co parent. You've gotta make phone calls to your co parent. In some way, shape, or form, you're sending money back and forth for whatever it may be, day care, insurance, you you know, child support, shoes, back to school supplies, etcetera. You've gotta share insurance information, doctor information, babysitter information, grandparent inform you know, just a ton of information that needs to be shared between the 2 households.

Heather Ruiz [00:13:28]:

You also want a place to kinda keep your documents. Right? Your parenting plan, custody agreement, divorce decree, whatever it may be, as well as having a calendar to coordinate your schedule as well. So that's a lot of places that if you don't have a single location to have all of that, that's a lot of places that that co parenting relationship is infiltrating in your life. You know, you're you're transferring through Zelle, through your bank account. You're using your text messages. You're using your phone, your FaceTime. You're sending money through, you know, your bank account and emailing each other and whatever it may be. So for me, the compartmentalization aspect of talking parents is, like, the biggest thing.

Heather Ruiz [00:14:14]:

You can kind of take that co parenting, situation and put it into one place so that you know every time you open that app that you are in co parenting mode, and that's what your mindset is. You don't have to worry about stumbling across, you know, a negative text message from that parent or going in to, you know, pay for a vacation and then there's your custody, you know, your child support payment there. It's not these constant little reminders that have leaked into every aspect. So it first of all, it takes all of those things and compartmentalize it for you. So it's one place. The other really great aspect of talking parents is that every action that is taken within the application is documented and recorded. Text messages cannot be edited or deleted. Every phone call, every video call is transcribed and recorded.

Heather Ruiz [00:15:08]:

Every bank transfer is documented whether when it was requested, when it was paid, all of those things. So that if you ever have to go back and refer to anything, it's already there. You're not digging through emails and phone calls and text messages and things that have nothing to do with that co parenting situation. And then if you find yourself in a tumultuous situation, in a high conflict situation, or you have to go back to court for any reason, all of that documentation is on our unalterable record. And all you have to do is go into the app, request the record for whichever feature you're looking for the information of or for everything. You can get it sent to you in a PDF or in a printed format. You can hand that to your lawyer, saving yourself probably 1,000s of dollars of discovery work of having to dig through all of those things and organize it. Most of your lawyers around the country are familiar with the service, and they can just take those documents, present them in court, and there's no he said, she said back and forth.

Heather Ruiz [00:16:13]:

I didn't get that message. I sent that money. I didn't say that on that phone call or whatever it is. It's there. It's black and white, and, you know, it's it's all documented. So compartmentalization is huge as well as that documentation for either quick recall or, you know, if you need it in court.

Diane Schroeder [00:16:32]:

Yes. And I I couldn't praise the Talking Parents enough. I like I said, I've used it pretty right after we got divorced. It was pretty, it was high conflict. I just found it like this very safe it was almost like a filter so that I wouldn't have to worry about, you know, getting the emails or text messages like you said, yet it also forced me, because I knew everything would be recorded, to really be intentional about what how I wanted to respond, how I wanted to reply, and it was like, okay. Take a deep breath, take a time out, and then communicate that way. And, you know, over the years, it's you know, we still use it back and forth to communicate with each other, to send the parenting schedule back and forth, to document and timestamp things for all the reasons that you just said. We went, the last time we were in court was in 2019, and it was very convenient to download the PDF and just have it and hand it over to my attorney.

Diane Schroeder [00:17:32]:

So, yes, to all of that, and it's just such an incredible, incredible service. So as we get ready to go back to school, what are some of the challenges that co parents, even if you've been co parenting for a while, as our kids grow up, their needs change, the, communication, the back and forth, the more activity. So what are some challenges that co parents can see or potentially come across so they're not surprised as we enter a new school year?

Heather Ruiz [00:18:04]:

Yeah. I mean, every school year obviously kinda starts off with filling out all the paperwork. Right? Who's gonna fill out the paperwork? Whose address is there for the communications, you know, from the kid's school? Because a lot of times, you can put multiple email addresses, you can put multiple phone numbers, but it's like one home address. They're not gonna mail multiples out to different home addresses. So that's Mhmm. Something to really think about because that was actually a contentious argument between me and my ex when we initially were enrolling our

Heather Ruiz [00:18:35]:

children in the school was whose address went on to the paperwork. So that was something that you just don't think of at that point. And then you've got meet the teacher, you know, night. So you go and you meet the teacher. You get your child's schedule. You get their, school supply list, and then all of that has to be taken care of. So who's school ship supply shopping? Who's doing, you know, back to school clothes shopping? Who's gonna buy the extra things that the teacher needs? You know? And how do we keep track of all of that? And then you're signing your kids up for activities on top of that as well. And so depending on your custody schedule, you know, can both parents facilitate sports practices, school clubs or chorus or band or, you know, all of those things? What is that schedule like, and how does that line up with both parents' schedule, on top of that? School meals, you know, coordinating, making sure, you know, are they allowed to buy lunch? If so, what's the budget every week, or what type of food? Are you okay with feeding your child for breakfast and for lunch? You know, if your children get crazy on sugar like mine do, you know, I wanted to make sure that they had a protein heavy breakfast and didn't want their dad feeding them Lucky Charms, you know, on the way to school because I knew they were gonna come home in trouble, you know, kind of thing.

Heather Ruiz [00:19:54]:

So, you know, down to that, as my kids have gotten older, obviously, what is appropriate school wear, you know, and making sure that dad understands that short length matters and, you know, different things like that. So like you said, depending on the age and and all of that, it it can be kinda crazy, you know, to get all of that done in one household, right, with parents that are together. So let alone trying to separate that between the two and make sure everything is communicated, is really important. Because some people have every other week schedules, and they're not in a place where they can say, okay. We're both gonna attend this school meeting together. So if one it happens at one parent's, you know, week, then they take them. That other parent has to trust that that parent's gonna convey all that information to them as well. So and then informing the teachers as well is very important that this you know, your child comes from a separated household.

Heather Ruiz [00:20:56]:

Here is the custody schedule. On these weeks, be sure to contact dad. On these weeks, be sure to contact mom. So, yeah, it's it is crazy, but, thankfully, with some of these coordination tools that we have within the service, it can it can lessen that a little bit.

Diane Schroeder [00:21:13]:

Absolutely. I mean, that's rattling off all of these things, I'm like, man. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. And I know I didn't think of a lot of that stuff. Even until really the beginning of middle school is when I was like, man, we've really gotta uplevel our communication as co parents because of that. You know, if it's teacher conferences, you know, that's another great example of who's going to teacher conferences because the teachers typically aren't gonna do 2 separate conferences.

Diane Schroeder [00:21:40]:

So either you go together or one parent represents. And, you know, whatever the relationship is you have with your co parent, just keeping that in mind. And I think a really good thing to remember is it's about your children. It is about your children and and not if it's not energetic if you're not energetically ready to do some of those things together as co parents for your children, I think that's okay, but you still have to communicate that with each other so someone is there to represent.

Heather Ruiz [00:22:10]:

Absolutely. We're

Diane Schroeder [00:22:12]:

We're gonna link some helpful articles in the show notes. Do you have any tips or advice or, like, things that you wish you would have known for the various ages. So let's let's start with elementary school. Is there anything that you wish you would have known when your kids were in elementary school that you would pass along to other co parents?

Heather Ruiz [00:22:35]:

Oh, man. You know, mine went to before and after school day care, and I think the biggest thing for me was making sure that the teachers as well as the activities before and after school care, so day care, was actually at my kid's elementary school, which was amazing. But making sure that they understood and felt comfortable with both me and dad. Right? So making sure that you know, my ex is is an introvert. He's not one that's gonna chat and get to know people. So I really tried to make a concerted effort to make sure that he took the time to get to know the teachers and the staff so that they were just as comfortable going to him with issues as they were for me. Because what happened when my son first started school, they were always coming to me. And what I noticed is a lot of times, the stuff they were coming to me on were things that maybe my son didn't go to bed till 10 o'clock, so he was falling asleep in class.

Heather Ruiz [00:23:37]:

Or he was super hyper in the morning because he ate sugary cereal. And they were coming to me with those issues. And so I would say, okay. Well, he's with his father this week. If you could please address those with him. Because otherwise, I am them going to my ex and saying, don't feed him sugar cereal. This is what happened. He needs to go to bed at a decent hour.

Heather Ruiz [00:24:04]:

This is what happened. And then all that goes in his head is, oh, she's nagging me. She's trying to tell me what to do in my own household, this, that, and the other. But the teachers didn't have that relationship with him, so they weren't comfortable addressing it with him. And so I really had to advocate for that each and every year before the school year started and and making sure I was even getting to know those teachers a year in advance, you know, kinda thing. So that was something that once I kinda got the hang of that, it really started to make all of that easier because then they had to address that issue with him. They would copy me on the email and the communication. So he knew I knew, but I would let them handle it, you know, kind of situation.

Heather Ruiz [00:24:50]:

So that was a key thing for me, especially in elementary school with the kids.

Diane Schroeder [00:24:55]:

That is fantastic advice. I wish that is like, I'm like, oh, that that makes a lot of sense. Alright. So what about middle school? Here, you know, middle school is different depending where you are in the country. Some, it's 6 7 8, some, it's 7 8. Some schools are k through 8. When I think of middle school, I think of those pre puberty, tween, like, hormonal soup. It's just there's a lot of change, and the responsibilities start to increase, and I think the social pressures start to increase for the kiddos, And just, you know, it's it's really different because the it's a globally connected world with cell phones and social media and, you know, everything's done on a computer most of the time.

Diane Schroeder [00:25:38]:

So what are what are some of the and I know you're fresh out of middle school or and just getting into high school. So what are some of the the tips for middle

Heather Ruiz [00:25:46]:

school? Making sure you brought up technology and screen time and social media and all of that. Making sure you and your co parent are on the same page when it comes to the rules with screen time, what social media they're allowed to use, how old they're allowed to be before they get a cell phone, you know, all of those things. Really sitting down and thinking about, okay. There's streaming TV. Do we parental control things? You know, there's all the social media platform. Are the children allowed to utilize social media? If so, what are the rules? If not, what are the rules? You know, cell phone usage, even down to, like, location sharing with people outside of the family. You know, that's been, you know, something that we've had a lot of discussions about. So really sitting down and kind of creating an entire list of all the things that you can foresee, during those times.

Heather Ruiz [00:26:43]:

Are they allowed to date people? If they do go out on dates, what are the rules? You know? And and just all of those different things. And and there's so much out there, and you don't wanna wait until you're in this situation where you let your child go out on a date and then the other parent is like, wait a minute. You know, we didn't have that conversation. Or Mhmm. All of a sudden your kid has an Instagram account and the other parent's like, I don't want them to have an Instagram account. So it's very hard to kinda backpedal and then your kids see that you're not on the same page. And being middle schoolers, they will try to manipulate and take advantage of the situation. Absolutely.

Heather Ruiz [00:27:23]:

But having those conversations well ahead of time and having that plan worked out and documented. And that way, it's there. There's no question. This is where me and your other parent are at on that. This is the rules. Here's the consequences. You know? Here are the guidelines. And then it's very cut and dry because trying to make those decisions when you're in the midst of it all is is very difficult.

Diane Schroeder [00:27:49]:

Right. It's like the time to plan for an emergency is not during an emergency.

Heather Ruiz [00:27:54]:

Exactly. Exactly.

Diane Schroeder [00:27:55]:

So for those of you listening, if you're like, great. Now we're basically the same rules under both houses. You know, that's not how I I parents, not how I roll. Our houses are different. Yes. They can be different. You can have a different environment, but the that outline and that framework is not there for, you know, anything else but to keep your your child safe and protected and the consistency so they don't find the loopholes and take advantage of it, and for their safety.

Heather Ruiz [00:28:25]:

Exactly. And if it is different, you know, my my ex has video game consoles at his house. I'm very anti video game console, you know, kinda thing. And that's just something we've addressed with the kids. And it's like, hey. You have it at your dad's. You know, you can play it there. And then when you're at my house, we're more outdoorsy and, you know, gonna ride bikes and go on walks, and and that's how it's gonna be.

Heather Ruiz [00:28:49]:

And that's okay. You know, they get that that type of environment and that that enjoyment at his house, then they get a different kind at my house. And I don't, you know, poo poo him for having video game consoles or say that it's wrong or anything like that. You know? Just like I would hope that he's not doing the same thing, you know, with mine, and and the kids, they'll learn. And but it's just setting those clear boundaries, those clear understandings of what those rules are at each house so that you can talk about it fluidly with the kids as well. Mhmm.

Diane Schroeder [00:29:22]:

That's wonderful. You know, as you were talking, something else popped into my brain, and that was you know, it's also easier for the kids, and and it's always a constant conversation. So I think when I was younger or when my son was younger, I was really, you know, I never I still don't say a bad thing about his dad. I'm very mindful about what I say. But as he's gotten older, I find myself relaxing a little bit, and that I I always have to like, oh, nope, because they're still always watching. They're still paying attention. And so it's it's easy, you know, with time, it's been a decade, you know, to to kind of let your guard down a little bit, I guess. And then, you know, the other thing, my mom would always tell me, well, I just trusted you when you were a kid.

Diane Schroeder [00:30:09]:

And, yes, trust is very important with your kids, but those conversations still need to happen. And so I'm curious because is your you've got one in high school or one both are gonna be in high school now?

Heather Ruiz [00:30:21]:

Yeah. My son is he'll be 17, so he's been in high school for a couple of years.

Diane Schroeder [00:30:26]:

So what are the co parenting, like, in high school? Is that when the drinking and the drugs kinda conversations come in or come up?

Heather Ruiz [00:30:34]:

Yeah. I mean, we've definitely have had the conversation with both both the kids. Obviously, it morphs over time. Right? You know, in middle school, you have, you know, certain conversations in certain ways. And then as they get older, they come become a little more pointed or a little more detailed, on that kind of stuff. Thankfully, my son is actually an ROTC. He's all gung ho military, you know, and all of those things. So very what you would you know, straight edge, if you will, to the point where he comes home and he's like, mom, I convinced another one of my friends to stop vaping, you know, today and things like that.

Heather Ruiz [00:31:13]:

So, you know, we've had those discussions, And, thankfully, my ex and I are in a situation where we can sit down together as well as with my current husband. And so those conversations have been had with all parents present, either at my house or at his house. And that way, they can kind of see united front. You can talk to all 3 of us about any of it, you know, at any time. You've got dad and stepdad. You've got mom. Go to who you're comfortable with. However, you also need to know that things that we talk about, your other parents are gonna know that those discussions happened.

Heather Ruiz [00:31:55]:

They may not go into the intricate details of the things that were said. However, all of us will know what's going on in these situations with that. So that that's kind of been helpful. You know, obviously, I rely on my husband, stepdad to, you know, talk to my son about those different situations, especially going through puberty and all of that stuff. But then I've always kind of come in afterwards and, you know, said, hey. Like, I also know all of this is going on. It's nothing to be embarrassed about or to, you know, to hide from me or anything like that. Like, we're all good.

Heather Ruiz [00:32:31]:

And so we've done the same with my daughter. So my ex isn't remarried. So she is in the house just with him and her brother. So that has definitely kinda posed an interesting situation with her because there are some times that she just needs mom.

Diane Schroeder [00:32:47]:

Mhmm.

Heather Ruiz [00:32:47]:

You know? And and I've had to have that conversation with her father and just kinda say, hey. You know, this is a tough time for her, and, you know, she's not gonna be comfortable with these things just like my son is not comfortable talking about these things with me, but he'll talk about them with you. And we need to understand that that's not a dig against us as a parent. It's just male, female, mom, dad, you know, that type of situation, and we need to be okay. That if he needs to go to dad's house because of something, that's okay. If she needs to come to mom's house because of something, that's okay too. And we're not gonna, well, it's my week or, you know, those types of things. We're gonna facilitate that to make them comfortable.

Diane Schroeder [00:33:32]:

Right. And I think that's the beauty of raising young adults. And they you get to that point in the relationship where they do get to choose back and forth. And what you said is so spot on that it it's not personal. It's what's, again, what's best for the kids. Mhmm. And I think all of this advice, regardless of age, can also be applied to 2 parent homes. Mhmm.

Diane Schroeder [00:33:54]:

You know? Like, the this the communication is so important, and it it is a little more structured, I think, between co parents, but all of these tips and tricks are just as important if you have 2 parents in the home too.

Heather Ruiz [00:34:08]:

Absolutely. I mean, my dad was active duty military growing up, so he got deployed a lot. And, you know, there were time that my parents were kinda passing in the wind on, you know, what their thoughts were and, well, wait. I thought we decided on, you know, whatever and, you know, had to have those what are the rules conversation in the moment type of thing. So it is all very applicable regardless of what that situation is.

Diane Schroeder [00:34:34]:

This is so much helpful information and so valuable. And I'll put all the information, like I said, in the show notes. But is there a way that, you know, just the TalkingParents website, is that the best place to get all the information? Is there any other tools that you would recommend that my listeners could go to if they have any questions or are curious?

Heather Ruiz [00:34:56]:

Absolutely. So talkingparents.com, you know, you'll find all the information about the services there. However, at the top, in the very top area, there is a tab called parenting resources. And one thing for us is that we aren't just all about, okay, come use our service. You know, we've got a free plan, but we also have paid subscription. But that that's not where we stop. We wanna be there to support and empower the co parent. So come you know, whether or not you're part of the Talking Parents, usership, these parenting resources are free and accessible, and we work with experts with lawyers, mediators, divorce coaches, mental health specialists.

Heather Ruiz [00:35:38]:

You name it. Any professional that works in the family area, we work with and partner with on guest blogs, webinars. We do Instagram takeovers on our Instagram and on our Facebook, and we bring these people in to share all of this knowledge on a variety of different topics, and it's all free of charge. So whether you're a user or not, you can sign up for our newsletter and get all of the blogs and information. You can check, you know, what you're interested in, divorce, finances, general health, mental health, you know, those types of things so that you're only getting, you know, what you're interested in there. And then you'll get information about our co parenting and coffees, which are our webinars that we try to do every quarter. But, yeah, we partner with the experts and get that information disseminated so that you aren't having to go out and either look for it yourself or pay for it a lot of times as well for consultations and stuff like that. But, yeah, our parenting resources tab is a wealth of resources, for parenting, co parenting, across a variety of things.

Heather Ruiz [00:36:47]:

So I definitely recommend checking those out.

Diane Schroeder [00:36:49]:

Absolutely. And one other thing that just popped into my head, the beauty of really effectively co parenting and learning how to navigate the challenges of 2 homes and raising children is it can potentially keep you out of court. Not always, but I think in the long run, like you had mentioned earlier, it also saves a lot of money. And it's it's a small investment up front, but to take advantage of all those resources, and I have in the early years, and they were wonderful, and it really kinda helped me keep a a healthier perspective in sometimes a really dark time.

Heather Ruiz [00:37:24]:

Yeah. Absolutely. Like you said, it kinda keeps you grounded because you go into the app, you know what frame of mind you need to be in, you know, you know, so you can kinda pick and choose. Like, I've had a really tough day. I'm not going in here to deal with this right now, you know, kind of situation. Let me get to a space where I'm a little more relaxed. But then it also helps you keep your emotion under control as well because you're like, hey. This is what I'm in here to deal with.

Heather Ruiz [00:37:50]:

I'm not trying to get in a fight. I'm not trying to bring up, you know, divorce, you know, issues or different things like that. It's strictly about the kids. And like you said, it's all recorded. So, you know, it kinda gets you to make sure that you're dealing with it more in that professional or business like situation. I'm very targeted, you know, focused on just with the kids. So, yeah, it's something I wish that I had known about and was around when I got divorced. I, obviously, for ethical reasons, cannot utilize the service with my ex, but I will tell you the things that I've learned about the tools and why they're there and the things that we develop and the thought processes behind them, I've been able to take those things and really incorporate them, into my co parenting situation now.

Heather Ruiz [00:38:42]:

And even my ex has kind of been like, I feel like we're handling things a lot better, you know, organization wise because I've been able to think of ways to use the tools that we're using to kind of make that a little more streamlined and efficient that way as well. So got a free plan. So anybody can sign up, and match with their co parent and utilize it and not have to invest in it because we feel so strongly about making sure that everybody has access, to these tools.

Diane Schroeder [00:39:13]:

It it truly is a gift. And I also you know, I talk a lot about self care and how important it is to take care of yourself. And I think single parents, it is probably at the bottom of their list most of the time. Like, how can I possibly do something for myself, at least it was for me, when I have a child to take care of, and I'm already working too much, and I'm already doing all these things that are pulling focus? But in not really that crazy of a way, this is also a wonderful self care tool for all the reasons you just said. It just gives you that space so you're not on pins and needles. It gives you more time back, more capacity back, more time to enjoy something that you find joy in and not the consistent back and forth or arguing or whatever is going on. It's very empowering, and it's a great way to gift yourself some of that little bit of joy and make time to take care of yourself also. Because that's really important when you're a single parent or a co parent is to not forget to be the best for your kids, you have to be the best for yourself.

Heather Ruiz [00:40:20]:

Absolutely. I I really love what you just said and, you know, it's know, come up with different you know, come up with different efficiencies and things like that to make our lives easier. And, you know, really looking at this is not, oh, another tool that's gonna control how I communicate or, you know, those types of things, but it really is giving yourself the time back and that support and that confidence, you know, to empower you to be able to take control of that situation and know that, you know, if the other person is is just wildly out of control or not upholding their end of the bargain or anything like that, you're not gonna have to go back and dig through everything all by yourself and have to recall everything. You literally can go in, click a button, request my record, and you've got it in your hand, and you can hand it to a lawyer and be done with it at that point and let them do that. And it's just it's it's a lot easier. I because I remember we had some issues, you know, when we first got divorced, and my lawyer was like, you need to get 3 ring binders. You need to, you know, every month print out all your text messages, you know. And that in itself is insane, by the way.

Heather Ruiz [00:41:43]:

Even my own cell phone account and getting access to a file to print off all my text messages was insane. And I just remember having these 3 ring binders and having to mark things on a calendar, but text it and then print it off and put it in with the calendar to show that I attempted to make contact because there was a late drop off and all of those things. It just it was insane. But that is the first thing anybody will tell you from a legal standpoint is document. Document. Document. Document. And the hassle of just doing that yourself is it's daunting, and a lot of people just won't do it because it's too stressful to do.

Heather Ruiz [00:42:22]:

We do all of that for you.

Diane Schroeder [00:42:24]:

Yes. So give yourself that gift. Yes. Absolutely. Well, Heather, thank you so much for giving us your time and sharing your wisdom and parts of your story. I'm very grateful for that. I know my listeners will be very grateful. And as we wrap up the conversation, is there any, other words of wisdom that you would like to share with the audience?

Heather Ruiz [00:42:48]:

Just give yourself grace, whether you're a single parent or just a hardworking woman, you know, whatever it may be, just give yourself grace. You are doing the best that you can, and, you know, it's okay to go through the Chick Fil A drive through or order pizza for dinner more than once a week on the way to sports practice. You know? It's okay to do that for yourself because you've had a hard week. You know? It's just give yourself grace. You are doing the best that you can, and that literally is okay no matter what that looks like.

Diane Schroeder [00:43:20]:

That is a mic drop moment. Thank you very, very much for sharing that. Absolutely. Another great conversation. Thank you for giving the valuable gift of your time and listening to The Fire Inside Her podcast. Speaking of value, one of the most common potholes we fall into on the journey to authenticity is not recognizing our value. So, I created a workbook. It's all about value.

Diane Schroeder [00:43:50]:

Head on over to thefireinsideher.com/value to get your free workbook that will help you remember your value. Until next time, my friend.