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Welcome to the Fire Inside Her. A brave space to share stories of navigating life transitions with authenticity. Using our inner fire to light the way and self care as our loyal travel companion. I'm your host, Diane Schroeder, and I'm so grateful you are here.

But after that shock and heartbreak, I realized I didn't want to put the wall back up. I wanted to create a life where I had stability both at work and at home, so I could focus on each respectively. If my personal life were out of control, I would think about it at work and vice versa. Fortunately, I am not alone in this belief. My guest this week, Paula V Jain, an experienced HR professional turned entrepreneur, shares her wisdom through her program, Lead From Within. I had so many goosebump moments during our conversation, and I know you will too. We discussed the following topics. The interconnectedness of personal and professional lives, the importance of internal clarity and self awareness, and leading from within to better manage relationships and conflicts.

I hope you enjoy. Welcome friends. Today is all about you. I am lucky to be chatting with Pallavi Jain and she is an HR guru and has 20 years experience and is going to talk to us about the importance of leading from within. So, Pallavi, welcome.

Thank you so much, Diane. It's a pleasure to be on this show, and I'm very excited for our conversation.

Yes. So am I. Well, let's dive in with my one of my random icebreaker questions. Since we are recording this just before Halloween, I would love to know what your favorite Halloween candy is.

Oh, that's a question for my husband more than me because he love candies. But I like Snickers. I think that's kind of my go to. And I also like the Indian chocolate that's called Dairy Milk. It's a milk chocolate. So those 2. Yeah.

Perfect. Now do you pass out candy on Halloween or do anything like that?

Yeah. We do. And my kids are super excited because, believe it or not, this year, Diwali and Halloween are on the same day. So we're having a joke around, like, should we go in our traditional outfits out to Halloween, or should we do our Halloween costume and do our Diwali celebration? So it's so funny you asked that. We were just having that conversation this morning.

That's exciting. Now Diwali is the celebration of white?

That is right. And it's kind of, you know, the victory of good over evil. So yeah. Okay.

I love that. Well, you know, it's so many cultures celebrate this time of year in a different form or fashion, whether it's Halloween or Samhain or Diwali. So day of the dead, All Souls' Day. There's definitely a lot of magic around this time of year. Awesome. Well, thank you for sharing. Okay. Let's dive into the meat of this, because I'm sure my listeners are just excited to hear about some tools and a little more of the why it's so important to lead yourself and lead from within.

So if you could give us just a snapshot of what drove you to create this program.

I have been in the HR professional for about 20 years now, and I have seen, like, the daily struggles that employees, leaders face day to day, and of course, my own struggles as a leader, as well as an employee in this hustle culture that we all kind of live in today. And I think as a coach, I have just seen so many uncomfortable and sensitive situations. We have seen people at every level. Okay. Stressed, exhausted, in constant conflicts, either in personal or professional lives. And I think what I found was, you know, no matter what organization I was in, who I was interacting with, what job level, what location, whether it's in, you know, some other country in US, we all share a common desire and that is to feel empowered. And we all are looking for that joy, success, and fulfillment.

But we are all looking for it outside in either, like, things we accomplish, accolades, sometimes even blaming others. But what if I told you that everything, you're looking for is already within you?

I love that, and I believe that. And yes. So keep going. Tell me more.

And I think in my own journey of that last now almost seven and a half years, that's what I learned that the self-doubt, the worries, the assumptions, sometimes even the fear of rejection or failure that I was living with was my making. And I realized that my inner experience and that self-dialogue was creating my outside experience. And that's what really intrigued me. Okay. How does this complex human machine work? This gadget works and how can we take charge of it? So I did a lot of research. I applied many concepts in my own life. And, you know, while I was in these organizations, while working with people and hence to make now true impact and contribution towards human sustainability, I founded "Lead From Within".

You know, with this rising stress, burnout, mental health challenges, we are headed, like we were having that conversation the other day, Diane, how this is unsustainable. So I think Lead From Within is that program, to sum it all, is that program that empowers you and it ignites you on yourself leadership journey. And I have to tell you that I've applied each and every concept that I teach, and it has transformed and continue to do so my personal and professionally.

I love that. Thank you for sharing such a comprehensive overview. And there's a few things that I wanna unpack. First is this idea, I think, that at least my generation was raised that you keep your work life and your personal life separate. And you have to be 2 different people, and that is just a load of crap. I'm sorry, but you can't not have one bleed over into the other. You they're together. They're combined.

So can you share a little bit about what you found in regard to that, like, if you're happy at work, typically, you're happy at home and vice versa?

You're absolutely correct. Like, there are no 2 buckets inside you that, okay, this is bad stuff, and this is my professional stuff. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it all melds together. And I think organize some of the organizations are realizing that because you may have noticed, right, we are changing the even the how we see things. So rather than saying work life balance, we're saying work life integration. Right? And that is so true. You cannot have doubled standards by saying, hey. Emotions have no place at work or keep your personal worries to yourself.

And then in the next sentence, you say, oh, brilliant. I can take self to work. Right? It just doesn't work that way. Right? Everything is interconnected, and you're absolutely true. The other thing that the today's world face is, like, these frameworks, these fads and trends and buzzwords that we use to look relevant to show that we know it all, but they are not the solution. You can create an external framework and that's great. You know, it can really help you, but you it's still you who's using the framework. So if you don't have the inner clarity and you don't know what you're doing and what's really important to you, that train dog is not gonna do that for you.

Mhmm.

I could not agree more. That is so true. Thank you for sharing that. Now you talk about your internal technology, and I would love to know a little bit more about that. Because when I just hear internal technology, I'm like, okay. Are you a Mac person or a Windows person, you know, inside? And everyone's wired differently, and we all have a little bit different operating system. And I I'm sure that makes it somewhat challenging to try to fit into a box when you can just add value and embrace your own internal technology. Is that how it works?

You are absolutely right there that we're all different. We're all unique, and we come with our own conditioning, our own lived experiences. So even when I was creating this program, which is the lead from within, it's unlike any other training program where I'm saying, okay, do these three things and your life will be wonderful, and everything will be sorted. Right? It's more like, okay. I'm giving you the tools to look for solutions in the right direction, which is within, not outside. So it's almost like crafting that path to show and empower yourself from within. Because, honestly, true empowerment does come from within.

You know, that was one thing that I realized, for example, in my own journey that my inner experience is my making. I can make it joyful or miserable. Now Yeah. This can be scary for some, but, honestly, this is what true empowerment is. My happiness is not relying on somebody saying I love you to me or doing what I really want them to do, or my misery is not related to blaming someone for saying something to me 2 weeks ago, and I'm still suffering from it. That's my problem. But the problem is the bigger problem is where the technology comes in. The biggest hurdle is all of this is happening unconsciously.

So I don't if you give somebody a choice, nobody's gonna choose misery over joyfulness. But the problem is we're not choosing because it's happening automatically. And, again, autopilot is the most inward these days, but a lot of people don't even understand what it means. It's literally, you are not in the present moment, and hence your brain who is, you know, used to being in survival mechanism, the biggest role for the brain and for this body is to survive. And when you're not present, they are going in that mode of survival. And that's why you're having the same reactions, same patterns, same things that you've been doing for years. So by knowing your inner technology, you understand, okay, where are these patterns coming from? Why am I acting the way I'm acting? You know, I'll give you one example. I haven't shared this with anyone, but I'll share with our listeners and you today.

But, you know, for the longest time, I wanted to have it all under control, so to say, and be the smartest person in the room. Well, I would sometimes even interrupt others as they speak at work. And all of this was happening unconsciously, by the way. And after I would have done it, then I was like, shoot. I did it again. Right? But I would still keep doing it until the one day I understood the pattern and the self talk behind, which was and you had to do this introspection, and we teach that in our program how you do that is the feeling of not feeling good enough, the feeling of being judged, the feeling of, I want to prove and I want to show that I have it all together and I got this, all of that and looking for that validation and approval. But the only time I could correct that external behavior was once I understood how this gadget works and what was happening within me.

You can't outrun the work. And I love that this framework is really it's more objective and structured and not necessarily super touchy feely even though it hits all the right parts for that. It's like a Jedi mind trick. So I just think it's fantastic.

And I would just like to follow-up on that on one thing that, you know, when you understand the science, another thing I see, Diane, that happens, and I've seen those moments in the workshops is you also start understanding the other person.

Yes.

And it gives you so much more empathy to be forgiving, to be letting people who they are because, you know, if people are being messy outside, it just evokes that empathy in you. That means they are hurting inside.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

And it's easy for us to also kind of take ownership that I did it because now all of a sudden, you're not guilty or ashamed of doing it because you know that's how you're wired.

Exactly. It's just who you are.

I just didn't know how it worked, and now I know. So I'm taking back the charge. And, you know, I keep telling everybody that, you know, but to do that, the first and foremost thing you need to do is arrive in the present moment because until you do that, you can't break that cycle. You can't come out of the reactive pattern and truly see what is unfolding. And it's almost like you know, you have the Golden Gate Bridge. I don't know if you have seen it in San Francisco. Like, the true beauty of that bridge and the true strength is kind of shown when the floor form is lifted. Most of the times it's covered with form.

But when the form lifts, then you see the true beauty and the resilience and the strength of the bridge. It's almost like that. When you lead from within and you lean within, you can lift that fork and truly see who you are and see the strength you have within yourself and that you don't need to look for that validation for approval or fear outside. You just don't.

Yes. Preach. I absolutely could not agree more, and that I have goosebumps. So because a lot of my audience is women or people who identify as women, share with us some of the unique obstacles or challenges that women face and how it's still not insurmountable.

I'm actually glad you asked that question because, you know, I do a lot of work with women as well. And, you know, I definitely touch on some of the things because I'll give you an example. Along with our own lived experiences, we also carry generational memory. Okay? Going into a little bit in a different territory here but stay with me. And, you know, that is passed on from one generation to another. There was actually a recent lab experiment that was done, which was done by Deepak Chopra. And basically, what they did was they took some mice, and they give them wintergreen. It's a very strong smell plant.

And then right after that, they give them electric shock. Mhmm. And then they died. Now up to 7 generations after that, the mice, the, you know, descendants, they were given, they were given like wintergreen smell, and they would start running everywhere, scared right after that, anticipating an electric shock. And that is how paralyzing an incredible generational memory could be if left unchecked. Unfortunately, and this is changing drastically, and I'm just so happy we are in this generation where we are seeing this change, but unfortunately, women have faced a lot of injustice, abuse, unworthiness, and have endured feelings of being not good enough, resentment, guilt, anger, emptiness, and lack. So a lot of these emotions may be happening to you unconsciously today as part of your generational memory. Mhmm.

So when you become aware and arrive in that present moment, you are actually capable of breaking through these patterns, these reactive behaviors, and have a true perception of what is unfolding in the present moment rather than, you know, these biases and creating hurt due to unhelpful memories and triggers. And then as kids, we had seen our mothers, aunts, teachers behave in a certain way, which has unfortunately trained our subconscious, mind to start feeling sorry for ourselves. Mhmm. Victimize ourselves and assume, actually, this is the biggest one. Assume that the person in front of us is not going to understand us or hurt us or disrespect us, even though that may not be the case all the time. But, you know, when you learn to lead from within, we understand these patterns, we understand how this gadget works, and we're able to do what really matters to us. That's just one example. Right? Mhmm.

And I think the other thing is because that transformation is happening for women and, you know, a lot of us are feeling that that, you know, you're feeling more empowered and you're doing that, we are also sometimes not translating knowledge into action.

Tell me more about that. Yeah.

So we keep reading. Right? We read a lot of books. We listen to podcasts. But it's time to start implementing, my friends. Use the power of conscious choice and start taking micro steps today. You know, there was a time when I had read so many books and it was all great information. But until I started applying it, it was not of much use.

Right. That resonates so much with me because for the same reasons. I I read a lot. I have a lot of this knowledge in my head, but sometimes it's also overwhelming, or I get paralyzed by the inner critic or anxiety or whichever cast of characters are sitting in the front row that day, and it just stops me. But what I found is you can take action, and it's okay if you mess up. And it's okay if it's not perfect because perfection does not exist. It's fake. It's sold to us.

It's not good. No one is perfect.

Yeah. And, you know, there was another one that I I'm gonna actually mention this. So this was something that I just recently learned. So knowing that you can be assertive and warm at the same time.

Say that again for my listeners, just in case.

Yes. So knowing that you can be assertive and warm at the same time. And this is what Alison Treggel calls likable badass in her book. Amazing book, by the way, folks, if you haven't read it, Likable Badass by Alison Treggel. I just finished it a few weeks ago, but definitely check it out. You know, I often compromise one for the other. So places where I felt I needed to be more assertive, I lost some warmth. Where I needed to be warm.

I completely became submissive. And I just learned that, actually, you can be both. You just need to be strategic about it. You just need to be, again, aware about what your end result or your end goal is. But believe me, you can be both. And that that was amazing. Right?

Mhmm. Well, it's just a it's again, it's very empowering. So what are three small steps that someone could take today while they're listening to this or as soon as they're done listening that are those actions in the direction of leading from within.

The transformation can only happen if you take back the charge. So I'm gonna give you a couple of tips to arrive in the present moment because that's where true transformation happens. Right? Mhmm. So I think one simple thing that you can do today, ask yourself enough. Am I present? K? So ask yourself, am I present? And you will be present in that moment. So either put a reminder on your phone or anything, you know, you get a nasty, controversial email in your inbox. Before responding, simply ask yourself, am I present? And that might change how you respond or maybe not respond to that email.

Exactly. That's still a response.

Yeah. So so that's one thing you can do to arrive in the present moment. Another important thing, which I think goes a long way is training your mind for present moment awareness. So you're, you know, you want to build it as a habit or that you don't have to consciously initially, it will be hard. Trust me. It may be a few seconds here and there, but every single step is you're training your mind because your mind is amazing. Your brain has great neuroplasticity, so you're training your mind. So to train your mind to automatically come in the present moment, I mean, meditation is a great workout for your brain, but meditation is not for everybody.

So if you don't have time to meditate, then you can use your daily chores for present moment awareness. So any activity that's a mean to an end. So basically cleaning up the toys of your kids.

Washing dishes.

Yeah. So next time when you see the mess in the drawing in the living room, right, you're not upset. You see it as an opportunity for your present moment practice. And you just pick the tories, you use the 5 senses, you just be in that moment and not think of anything else. Other that I can think, like, for women, you know, preparing meals. The more conscious and aware you are, the more good energy you're going to the food, which you are then serving your family. So that's also a way of nurturing and giving good positive vibes to your family. Right? So thinking of something good, gratitude while you're making meals are great present moment awareness activities for new mothers when you're pumping.

Anything that's a means to an end, that's a chore that you don't like, change that into a present moment awareness, which will do 2 things. Right? 1, you'll no longer be upset about doing it. And second, you're finding time to do what truly matters to you.

That's great. And it's something that you can incorporate right away. Absolutely. And I think to add on to that, what I have found in those moments where I'm just, whether it's cleaning the house or the shower or taking a shower, cooking food, I get such creative inspiration if I'm present. Like out of nowhere, I just get this bolt of, oh, man, I need to write about this. And I make a note.

This just reminded me, why do you think many great ideas come after a shower?

Because you're just present.

Because you're just enjoying your in that present moment, and all your creativity flows when that happens because you're not bombarding your mind with 100 different simulations around you. And one other thing I think which also I've learned more recently than before, probably in the last 2 years, is the power of connecting with like minded people who are ready to help you, stand by you, and cheer for you. And trust me, there are many. So don't hold yourself back. Just do it. Give that to the community in a similar way. You know, empathy and cooperation are our natural states to be. I was reading another study.

There was a psychology study they were doing, and it was about, you know, even a little kid, if their mother drops something on the floor, the natural response will be to pick it up and give it to her. So that's how we are wired. And woman has an advantage here because of our hormones and how we are strongly wired with emotions, empathy, and have some feelings starting to show the world how a cooperative society can thrive without jealousy, but rather cheering and supporting one another.

Absolutely. All boats rise. I have said that forever. Like, when we lift ourselves up, we lift everyone else up. And that really it does start within. So you can do the lead from within for yourself. And if you're a business owner or you are if you have the capacity within your business to bring this program to the bigger collective, tell us just a little bit about that. And of course, I'll put everything in the show notes.

Yes. Thank you so much for bringing that because I think that's the core of my work. So I just want to ask one question to all the listeners. You know, have you ever felt like your manager doesn't really understand you or where you're coming from? And in that moment, have you ever thought that they might be in the same position just like you lost? The problem is organizations need to understand this and put real investment in their managers and leaders first so they can be joyful, fulfilled, and have the clarity to first lead themselves, right, from within. Then, like we are talking, it's a natural state to be empathetic, to be inclusive, to help others, to lead others and inspire them. So a lot of my work is built on that. So, basically, you're doing the first step you do is lead from within for self leadership. And once you have taken care of that, you don't live in a vacuum.

So the second step is how do you coexist and in this web of relationships and then create harmonious relationships? How do you manage conflicts, make effective decisions? And how do you then inspire and lead others with empathy and clarity? Organizations need they need this intervention at the organization level because then what are we leaving behind for our kids who would still be stuck in the survival habits that we have spent years perfecting. Right? Mhmm. So we need to do this, and I think when we talk about the Lead From Within program, just telling you, like, it has 3 main building blocks. The first building block is understanding your technology. So understanding who you are, how your mind works, how your brain, you know, body perceives, and how can you take charge of it. That's the first block. The second block is, okay, I understand how my this gadget works, but then how do I translate this knowledge into action? So I've actually created a 7 step process, which moves you through mindset shift into daily action that you can do to translate this into daily action. And then once you have done that, the 3rd building block and the final building block is how do you build those sort of harmonious relationships and how you show up for others.

So as you can see, right, if teams and organizations, you know, do this program, then productivity, conflicts, stress, burnout, engagement, we touch on each and every thing, and we learn that together. It creates that culture of truly understanding yourself and leading yourself from within and others from within.

That's beautiful. And, you know, you touched on culture. It also creates a happy workplace, and people spend a lot of time at work, so it shouldn't be awful to go to work. It should be joyful if you're gonna spend time so much time and effort and energy there.

Exactly. And organizations, like I said, you know, in these employee relations meetings I have, I have these sensitive conversations when you can give, do all the external work, but the patterns, behaviors, the issues come back. Yep. Unless the person makes a conscious choice to make that change. Right? It will come back, and they can only do that once they're aware of. Mhmm. Mhmm. So these are the right tools that they need, not just giving them the external frameworks and saying, okay.

Do a yoga session, and that's great. I mean, I'm not those are all great initiatives, but 2 solutions come from within, and it's high time we understand that. I mean, we do understand that. If you think about it, we more than ever, people are spending 1,000 of dollars in getting personal coaching. CEOs, executives, you know, individuals, managers. Mhmm. What is the reason why they feel that works? And it works because it lets them connect with their inner core. Yes.

Now why can't we do a program that actually helps everybody and puts them in the same playing field where we all learn that together, learn from each other, and learn the pleasing lived experiences and perceptions and beauty that is there within each one of us.

That is so beautiful. Thank you for the work that you are putting out into the world and for the impact that it will have, not just on an individual level, but a collective level. And I just think it's really beautiful, and I will put all the information in the show notes, like I said, and I just hope that everyone who hears this hooks up with you and figures out how to figure out their stuff and and to leave from within. Because regardless of your title, your position, your rank, wherever you are in your organization, you are the leader of your life. At the end of the day, you are responsible for you and only you, and it's one of those things that you actually have control over once you are aware. And once you know better, you do better, just like Maya Angelou says.

Absolutely. Absolutely. 100%. And I'll just leave one last nugget before we leave for our listeners is one lesson of my journey is that the why and the how you're doing something is so much more important than the what. Mhmm. This, I'm telling you, this has transformed so many of my personal and professional experiences, my relationships, just understanding why I'm doing it and how I'm doing it. You know, making 5 dishes for 4 guests who are coming over and being resentful and upset about it versus making one thing, but making it with joy and love, you will see the difference. You will feel in the aura of that room when you do that.

It just happens. So the why and the how, I just feel it was one of the biggest lessons I learned that that transformed my life in so many ways. It also gave me a framework to say no or not now, prioritizing what really matters to you and focusing your energy there. So so I was wondering one last nugget that I wanted to share with everyone. This has been a pleasure, Diane.

Oh, Pallavi, thank you so much. So much wisdom packed in just such a short amount of time. It's perfect. I would suggest if you're listening to this, you probably wanna listen to it again and maybe get a pen and paper out so you can take notes. And thank you so much for sharing your time and your wisdom. I really appreciate it, and I just wish you nothing but the best on your program. I feel like it is gonna be mandatory for everyone to take it.

Thank you. Thank you. Fingers crossed. And, again, thank you so much. This has been an amazing platform also to talk to you with it's just always lovely to connect with you. So thank you so much for being you and for your authenticity as well.

Thank you. Thank you for joining us. I am grateful you are here. If you're curious about how speaking to ourselves is a form of self-care, head over

to the fire inside her.com forward/audio for a free recording on self-care. Until next time. Be safe, be kind, and be authentically you.